Before we all landed this Job on the White House Communications Team, we spent years working on your aunt’s recipes and your dad’s texts that he still closes with “Dad.” We frequently collaborate with car dealerships to put words like “free” and “new” into very SUSPICIOUS quotation marks. And if work ever slowed, there was always a quick gig to be found in any comments section, anywhere.
Listen — after all that time hustling in the local circuits and not being taken seriously, how could We REFUSE the opportunity to be the voice of The President of the UNITED STATES’ Twitter account???
But Holy SHIT, y’all. AMERICA cannot deal with four more years of this.
It was simple at first, and not too bad. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!! Easy one. FAKE NEWS. Okay, mildly concerning, but lol that’s Politics, right??? Then We had to put “dudes” in quotes for Some Reason — still don’t know why but okay.
Eventually, our Job just got sadder and stranger. We made fun of Kim Jong-Un in the same fashion you might send a Bitchy Group Text. We got mad at Denmark for not selling us Greenland. We made fun of a 16-year old girl (love u, Greta, big fan!!!) while being IMPEACHED. We worked with Kanye to make sure A$AP Rocky was OK because sure I guess.
And please don’t ask about covfefe. He just fell asleep… on the toilet. Oh, what?? YOU ALREADY KNEW IN YOUR HEART THAT WAS TRUE.
These aren’t even the cruel ones. Now it’s threats to LOCK UP his Political Rivals and sharing dangerous QAnon fucknuttery. Those aren’t even good conspiracies and, lemme tell ya, we have worked on conspiracies. Obscure forum posts about the secrets of Area 51, and we’ll NEVER FORGET the time we worked with a guy who made sure all of Peoria knew about the Illuminati via rambling tirades painted on every square inch of his 1995 Beige FORD TAURUS.
We know you’re very tired of hearing from us. Like, REALLY tired. Exhausted. That’s fair. We really are only supposed to show up MAYBE once a week in the Flyers and Permission Slips from your kid’s school, not THREATENING ANOTHER COUNTRY VIA SOCIAL MEDIA IN ALL CAPS. Sorry about that.
Look, we agree: it’s time for us to return to our best work. The Daily Specials menu at your small-town diner. A Craiglist’s ad for a Highly Questionable used weight bench. Outside a Cheesecake Factory, where a dirty man hands you an even dirtier pamphlet about finding SALVATION before the End Times.
It’s not the BEST Endorsement coming from us, but it’s Sincere. We need a president who can complete even one thought before another lunatic concept barges in. AMERICA deserves complete sentences. You Deserve one idea expressed clearly and then followed by a separate but relative idea supporting the previous one. NOT five of them at the SAME TIME — two of them CLEARLY Racist — crammed together as we’re all forced to watch an expired Adderall prescription regurgitate a Dollar Menu buffet of Fox News segments.
We believe Joe Biden is the Clear Choice for Clear Sentences — THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!!!!!