“‘I will protect women at a level never seen before. They will finally be healthy, hopeful, safe and secure,’ Trump said. ‘Their lives will be happy, beautiful, and their lives will be great again. So women, we love you. We’re going to take care of you.’ The former president said women won’t have to think about abortion because decisions about regulating it are now left to the states.”
— Los Angeles Times, 9/21/24
The people of Dune are thirstier, sandier, less safe in the dunes, and unhappier now than they were four years ago. I am also unhappier now than I was four years ago. That’s the last time I ruled this planet, or, as you may recall, the last time Dune (or “Arrakis” to be “politically correct”) was great, again.
Things have fallen apart since I was deposed. Everyone says so. All of the Great Houses of the Landsraad agree with me. Some of the Bene Gesserit too. I’m friends with many of them. Wonderful women. They actually wanted my daughter to join their order, but she’s allergic to Gom Jabbar and other foreign substances.
But I will fix everything fast, and at long last, this interstellar nightmare will be over.
To the people of Dune, here is my promise to you: You will be happy and hydrated once again, just like you were four years ago. You will no longer be thinking about water. And no offense, you people are a bit obsessed. I like water, but have you tried Diet Coke? If I had ten grams of spice for every time I had to hear one of you drone on about “reclaiming water” and “dying of dehydration,” I wouldn’t be running an intergalactic election, if you know what I mean. (I’d be buying it.)
But you won’t have to worry anymore, because the whole issue of water will be where it always had to be: with politicians who never had to worry about water in the first place. In some cases, these new decision makers won’t even be that familiar with water; I’ve been talking to some very smart, very talented android political leaders who are aware of water as a concept, but have never needed it themselves, since they are made of metal and run on batteries.
As an example of how carefree life will be under my rule, I can confirm that if you are really, really thirsty, you will be able to get access to water. Think of it as a powerful exception to “who gets water and who doesn’t get water,” as long as you are literally about to die of thirst. And maybe not even then. This is fair and just, and the details of these rare exceptions will be worked out by the aforementioned robots, who, again, are intellectually familiar with the elements that make up water but have never ingested, touched, or seen the liquid themselves. I believe this makes them more objective about the water issue. By being so removed from water as a matter of survival, they can make decisions driven by money not morality. That’s the Dune dream.
Also, I will not, under any circumstances, allow any of you, my dear, dear poverty people of Dune, to be drowned by water, no matter how thirsty you are. This is a real policy that my rivals, House Atreides, practiced or definitely want to practice. It was terrible. They drowned them. That’s what I’m hearing.
I know a lot of you like to say that “fear is the mind-killer.” I think that’s very smart, very wise. I’m never afraid. And I don’t want you to be either. Stop fearing that your rights to water will be taken away. Will they be taken away? That’s fear asking. Don’t answer! That fear will murder your mind before the lack of water will. So just be happy, like you were four years ago. Remember?
When I am your ruler, I will protect you at a level never seen before. Just trust me on this one. You will finally be hydrated, healthy, safe, and respected. Because you may be poor crusty sand people, but you’re my poor crusty sand people. I love you, and I’m going to make our lives great again—all of our lives, starting with mine and ending, if necessary, with yours.