Dear College Faculty,

Effective immediately, there will be a moratorium on resignations. Thanks to COVID, the governor has generously formalized his long-standing informal suspension of the Thirteenth Amendment. It’s now perfectly legal to treat you like our property. Don’t worry; you’ll still get paid two-thirds of your starting salary. Unfortunately, we are discontinuing contributions to health and retirement plans.

You had your chance to quit gracefully. Now you’re stuck with us until either the school shuts down for good or enrollment increases by thirty-five percent. We will be forced to send Mark and Rob from Campus Security after anyone who attempts to leave. Their golf cart’s batteries are fully charged.

We will consider releasing you in the event of your death on a case-by-case basis, but we reserve the right to assign your spirit to the clock tower as part of our Spooky Campus Legends marketing campaign. Any worker who jumps to their death from the clock tower will be automatically enrolled. Thank you in advance for your undying commitment to Hills Lake College.

Since you’ve been complaining about it for the last decade, we know you’re aware of the poor student success rates in online classes. We realize now that you were right all along, so we need everyone back in the classroom. We have suspended mask use based on feedback from students. They prefer not to audition new sexual partners with a mask on.

You probably noticed that we gave up trying to prevent you from speaking out about how dangerous it is to be packing tons of people into tiny, poorly ventilated classrooms during a global viral epidemic. It turns out that nobody cares but you, so you have our permission to speak freely about it now. Get good and mad. The legislature loves it when teachers are pissed off.

We will be farming you out to local employers to offset a significant revenue shortfall caused when we converted the library to an Esports complex. Faculty will be required to volunteer one week per month at the federal prison, the high school, the lunchroom, or the Park ’n’ Sip. We’re looking into selling some of you to DARPA for medical experimentation. As you might imagine, there’s a lot of red tape.

We’re opening a blood bank, and workers and their families will be required to donate plasma once every two days unless cleared by the Associate Vice President of Bodily Fluids to donate more often. We remember hearing often how you’ve given your blood, sweat, and tears to the college, and it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger, and that’s a risk we’re willing to take.

And finally, some good news. We are pleased to announce the First Annual Hills Lake College Viral Video Challenge. All workers below executive rank will be required to upload a video to TikTok of themselves experiencing one of the following: Bollywood-style flash mob, nonfatal accident, misdemeanor crime, pet blooper, or genital injury (clothed).

The worker with the fewest views at the end of each month will be required to work evenings in the Esports complex. The worker with the most views each week will have their portrait added to our Viral Video Corkboard of Excellence to be an inspiration to others.

Ever forward.

— College Leadership