We’ve Replaced the Government’s Hiring Criteria with a Better, Fairer System: Hiring Whoever Yells the Loudest

“The Trump administration’s pick for FBI deputy director is Dan Bongino, a former U.S. Secret Service agent-turned-conservative commentator whose fiery support of President Trump has earned him a massive following — and seen him banned from YouTube for promoting misinformation.” — NPR

For years, the United States government hired people for all the wrong reasons. It filtered candidates based on integrity, experience, and diversity of perspective. The new administration is replacing this approach with a better, fairer system: hiring whoever yells the loudest.

The problem with the Biden administration was that they hired based on partisan and arbitrary criteria like “has experience doing this type of work” and “hasn’t been credibly accused of sexual assault.” That’s how we ended up with a deep state full of leftist cronies hell-bent on pursuing Marxist priorities like stopping companies from dumping toxic sludge into the water supply, preventing planes from crashing in midair, and making sure people don’t get murdered by domestic terrorists.

Thankfully, Donald Trump, with the help of Elon Musk, has come up with a much better system: having the candidate yell into a device that Elon calls the Shout-Yell Calculator of Patriotism, Heterosexuality, and Nationalistic Tendencies. Or SYCOPHANT.

Using the SYCOPHANT is easy. When the candidate comes in for the interview, the interviewer simply has them scream into the SYCOPHANT at the top of their lungs about the topic of their choosing. In addition to assigning a score based on decibel level, the machine awards points for things like:

• Making an argument that immigrants were responsible for famous unsolved crimes like the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum heist.
• Espousing promising new conspiracy theories, like the FBI replacing their agents with artificially intelligent humanoid robots in the late nineties.
• Using the word “crooked” followed by the name of any Democratic politician
• Giving specific and detailed compliments about either Donald Trump’s or Elon Musk’s physical appearance
• Number of racial slurs used per minute (RSPMs)
• Voicing support for Christian values. But not hippie Christian values like kindness, forgiveness, and charity. Real Christian values like “Now is the perfect time to start a holy war”
• Pitching any product that could make the Trump family a quick buck, including but not limited to MAGA meme coins, Trump-branded M4 assault rifles, or light therapy wands that increase men’s testosterone levels by shining infrared beams at their nuggets

Bonus points are awarded if the candidate has previously made similar remarks on Fox News, OAN, YouTube, or their podcast.

Unlike Joe Biden’s DEI hiring, the SYCOPHANT’s scoring system is fair. While DEI takes things like race and ethnicity into account, the SYCOPHANT is totally race-neutral. Just because the SYCOPHANT awards points for being racist doesn’t mean it gives preference to candidates of a particular race. It’s totally possible to be racist against your own ethnic group. Just ask Marco Rubio.

So if Trump’s government ends up being made up almost entirely of vein-popping-angry middle-aged white guys and a few extra-huffy white women, it’s just because they were best suited for the job.

And don’t worry, when food is no longer safe to eat, children are regularly dying from nineteenth-century diseases, and you can’t get disaster relief for your hurricane- and fire-ravaged home until you bribe the right guy at FEMA, we’ll still find a way to blame it all on minorities.