What Do We Want…?

–What do we want?!

–WAGES.

–When do we want them?!

–NOW.

–What do we need?!

–BATHROOMS.

–When do we need them?

–NOW.

–Now, as in “without any further delay in negotiations” or now, as in “right this minute”?

–NOW, AS IN RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

–Is it an emergency?

–YES.

–One or two?

–POOPING.

–And we really can’t hold it?

–NO.

–Why didn’t we go earlier?

–WE DIDN’T HAVE TO GO THEN.

–Okay, no problem. Is the coffee shop across the street still letting us use their bathroom?

–YES.

–Then why don’t we go there?

–THEY DON’T OPEN FOR FIVE MINUTES.

–Jesus, we can’t wait five minutes?

–NO.

–Are we okay?

–NO.

–What’s wrong?

–DIARRHEA.

–What did we eat?

–NOTHING.

–So it’s, what, genetic?

–WE’RE NERVOUS ABOUT THE ONGOING LABOR STRUGGLE IN AMERICA.

–So, we’ve had chronic diarrhea since the beginning of the strike?

–YES.

–Seriously?

–YES.

–Okay. If it’s that bad why don’t we just squat behind that dumpster and go?

–DUDE.

–What?

–THAT’S UNSANITARY.

–We said it was an emergency. Besides, don’t we think someone will clean it up?

–SO WE SHOULD LITERALLY LEAVE OUR SHIT FOR A WORKER TO CLEAN UP? THAT’S PRETTY BOURGEOIS. WHAT KIND OF LABOR ADVOCATE ARE YOU?

–Fine. What about the Barnes & Noble? Everyone uses the bathrooms there.

–WE TRIED.

–And?

–THERE’S ALWAYS SOME WEIRD GUY SITTING CROSS-LEGGED RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR, WORKING ON HIS LAPTOP.

–Why right there?

–WE THINK IT’S THE ONLY PLACE HE COULD FIND AN OUTLET.

–He could be gone by now, right?

–THEY ALSO MOVED THE BATHROOM TO THE CHILDREN’S BOOKS SECTION. ALL THE KIDS MIGHT LAUGH AT US.

–We really think they’ll hear us shitting all the way out there?

–YOU’RE REALLY NOT GETTING HOW SEVERE THIS POOP IS GOING TO BE.

–What about the park?

–PUBLIC PARK BATHROOMS ARE REALLY GROSS.

–Wow, now who’s acting bourgeois?

–WE KNOW. WE HAVE CONFLICTED EMOTIONS ABOUT IT.

–Have we tried the McDonald’s or the Target?

–THEY SAID THEY’RE FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.

–What do they care?

–CORPORATE PROBABLY THINKS IT’LL INCENTIVIZE PEOPLE TO QUICKLY BUY AN ITEM.

–So they’re monetizing our need to poop?

–KIND OF.

–That’s messed up.

–YEAH.

–These are multibillion-dollar corporations we’re talking about, and all we’re asking for is to drop a quick deuce. How much can that time really cost them?

–FRACTIONS OF A CENT.

–This is exactly why we need collective action.

–WHAT?

–It’s the inherent problem with our profit-driven society. It’s dehumanizing. Don’t we deserve a clean and safe place to pop a squat? Is that so much to ask?

–STOP IT.

–Why? Are we caving?!

–NO, WE STILL NEED TO POOP.

–Right. Sorry.

–THAT’S OKAY.

–Look! The coffee shop is open now. Want to head there?

-NO.

–Ah. Because they’re a small business, and we don’t want to saddle them with another burden when they’re already fighting to survive in a ruthless marketplace?

–NO. IT WAS A FALSE ALARM.