Bassett Hound: You have a shoe fetish. Specifically, a slipper fetish.
Beagle: You still think you can kick a football, don’t you?
Boykin Spaniel: You identify emotionally with the L.L. Bean catalog.
Chick Magnet Puppy: You have the emotional depth of The Fast and the Furious movies.
Chihuahua: You have turds in your purse.
Dachshund: You’ve been given a lot of Oscar Meyer Weiner-themed refrigerator magnets.
Finnish Spitz: The Craigslist ad said it was a Shiba Inu.
French Bulldog: Your dog eats better than most American children. If necessary, you would feed it an American child.
Golden Retriever: Your Suburban has been reupholstered with dog hair and Cheerios.
Havanese: Deep down you’re really a cat person.
King Charles Spaniel: You are in an oil painting.
Komondor: You once made out with a white guy in dreadlocks at a Phish concert.
Lhasa Apso: You started a new book club with everyone but Janice.
Norwich Terrier: You call the salon the “beauty parlor.”
Old English Sheepdog: You’re a dark-haired cartoon prince who loves the ocean.
Rescue mutt (small): You saw that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan.
Rescue mutt (large): The typo-riddled before-and-after photo essay of your dog’s rescue has been re-pinned thousands of times.
Rescue mutts (multiple): You love children, but hate talking.
Rottweiler: You own eleven firearms.
Saint Bernard: Late-stage alcoholism has destroyed your sense of smell.
Samoyed: You thought you’d have more Instagram followers by now.
Sharpei: Upon blowing out your birthday candles, your oversized chenille sweater sprang to life.
Tibetan Mastiff: While your husband is with his mistress in Shanghai, you enjoy the company of this $200,000 bear.
Welsh Pembroke Corgi: Your face has been on postage stamps in over 50 countries.
Don’t see your dog? Read Part II