If Americans can agree on one thing in these divisive times, it’s the unreliability of the mainstream media. Whether it’s alarmingly erroneous polling predictions or unapologetic partisan bias, we live in an age where no media outlet can be trusted — which is why for my political news, opinion, and analysis, I turn to a man trapped at the bottom of a well.
I understand that you may have some questions, but allow me first to say that I admittedly don’t know much about my sole political correspondent, other than that he most certainly has been confined within the cavernous depths of a damp pit for as long as I can remember. I don’t know how he arrived in this predicament, or what he eats, or even how he keeps his presumably filthy finger on the pulse of our nation’s political climate, but his logic is irrefutable and his arguments are as rock-solid as the stones that form his subterranean prison.
I do know that on the day I encountered the well, I looked over the rim into its dark, chasmal depths, shouted “Hello!” and was immediately greeted with an equally friendly “Hello!” in return. When I asked “Are you okay?” and he responded “Okay… okay… okay…” I realized that this was a man whose voice I trusted, a voice that could provide the political commentary necessary to the American people, specifically me, in these troubling times. The well became my sole source of political coverage, almost as much as it was a water source for the local community.
Countless times pre- and post-election, I shouted my political questions, concerns, and beliefs down the dark, gaping mouth of the well, and received insightful, up-to-the-minute coverage of the clear, objective truth. For example, I once hollered at the top of my lungs “I think CNN emailed Trump protestors Muslim money from the Clinton Foundation using Benghazi’s private servers,” right into the ink-black hole in the ground. My friend imprisoned at its depths instantly replied, “CNN emailed Trump protestors Muslim money from the Clinton Foundation using Benghazi’s private servers,” informing me that yes, CNN emailed Trump protestors Muslim money from the Clinton Foundation using Benghazi’s private servers.
My advice to Americans? Stop surrounding yourself with the dubious news outlets offering the same viewpoints from the same panel of like-minded analysts echoing your exact political stances. Try to get perspective. Try to see an issue from the other side — specifically from the other side of sea level, 50 feet below the surface.