“Deepest Sympathies that the Federal Trade Commission Blocked Your Acquisition of That Biotech Firm in the Philippines.”
“Congratulations on Your Ethically Questionable, Legally Ambiguous R&D Breakthrough!”
“Stay Strong! Those Indigenous Villagers Won’t Last Much Longer Without Food or Water.”
“It’s a Boy! We’re So Proud of Your Adorable New 59-Year-Old CEO.”
“Thoughts and Prayers During This Difficult Time as Your New CEO is Indicted for Securities Fraud.”
“Remember — When God Closes a Door, He Opens A Window. Only You Have the Courage to Do What Must Be Done.”
“Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, The 99% Hates You, But We’ll Always Love You.”
“J.P. Morgan in the Streets, ExxonMobil in the Sheets! You Go, Girl!”
“Protesters May Break Your Windows, But They’ll Never Break Your Spirit.”
“Time Heals All Wounds — Including Violating International Trade Sanctions with Iran.”
“It’s Your Birthday! Here’s to Another 100 Years of Bulldozing African Villages to Construct Oil Pipelines.”
“Don’t Blame Yourself. That Paramilitary Organization Would Have Armed Itself, Sooner or Later.”
“We’ll Miss You! Wishing You The Best of Luck As You Begin Your 112-Year Sentence for Stock Manipulation.”