The year is 2042. It’s been over a decade since men have been banned from New York City’s main island and society has rebuilt itself.
This is Womanhattan now.
In Womanhattan, offices are kept at 72 degrees and have designated areas for those who run warm. Everyone is comfortable in a sleeveless top.
In Womanhattan, bodegas are lit by candles and soft lamps and have entire aisles dedicated to beauty and skincare. There are still many cats.
In Womanhattan, crosswalks no longer count down with panicked ticking or scream “WAIT!!!” They encourage you to “GO AHEAD, GIRL” or play Solange until traffic has cleared.
In Womanhattan, witches are elected officials.
In Womanhattan, there are no barkers in front of bars and venues. Women simply stand by the door giving passersby reassuring looks that let others know we have a great show for you tonight.
In Womanhattan, cops and Juno drivers are just girlfriends you haven’t met yet.
In Womanhattan, the Empire State Building turns a deep crimson five days out of the month.
In Womanhattan, everyone gets a seat on the subway. If there are more people on a train car than open seats, we take turns. If someone is pregnant, handicapped, over 60 or looks like she’s “had a day,” it’s understood they get to sit the entire ride.
In Womanhattan, public masturbation is an urban legend.
In Womanhattan, laundromats are wine bars where you can also wash your bra if you’d like.
In Womanhattan, maternity leave is available to everyone every year, regardless of pregnancy status. We’re all someone else’s mother if you think about it, and figurative breastfeeding is exhausting.
In Womanhattan, Columbus Circle has been renamed Rodham Roundabout.
In Womanhattan, constant, oppressive honking has been replaced by a polite chorus of apologies.
In Womanhattan, many remain happily single while others travel to surrounding boroughs for their romantic and physical needs. Still, no one has gone to Staten Island.
In Womanhattan, karaoke bars found with Journey, Sublime or Weezer in their music libraries will be fined.
In Womanhattan, bouncers are simply greeters whose main purpose is to pump you up for a fun night ahead.
In Womanhattan, Wall Street is a daily craft fair where the currency is based on bartering and compliments.
In Womanhattan, all traces of Woody Allen have been destroyed.
In Womanhattan, professionals do not expose their genitals to their colleagues except for gynecologists helping each other out.
In Womanhattan, electricity in Times Square promptly shuts off every night at 6 pm. The area transforms into a public outdoor meditation workshop followed by an optional seance.
In Womanhattan, young girls have to ask, “Mama, what did urine baking in the sun used to smell like?”
In Womanhattan, cat calls from construction workers are no more. Construction by man is no more. Robots do not know what sexual harassment is.
In Womanhattan, Murray Hill is underwater.