We are writing to inform you that Your Body (“you,” “yourself,” “your aging body”) has updated its terms of service, which apply to the use of all your Parts and Areas. These terms will apply only to Your Once-Useful Body and may differ from Other People’s Bodies, Which Are Still Normal.
We encourage you to review the updated Terms before you attempt any dangerous activity, such as playing with your dog or walking uphill. Our other legal policies are available in our Depressing Policy Center.
The Updated Terms
I. Food and Beverage
a. Alcohol may be consumed a maximum of three (3) nights per week, with two nights consisting of no more than one (1) beverage and one night consisting of no more than two (2) beverages. If you have one (1) beverage on a night you are supposed to have one (1) beverage, but the drink doesn’t “do anything” and you “don’t feel any different,” you are still not allowed to have a second beverage because the first one “clearly didn’t count.” If you do have two (2) beverages on a night you are supposed to only have one (1), you will have a hangover the next day. Yes, an actual hangover. Also, if you have one (1) beverage on a night you are supposed to have zero (0), you won’t get any sleep and will wake up hating the world.
b. Caffeine is one of three good things that exist. The others are love and the Fleetwood Mac album Rumours. However, like the relationship between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, your body’s relationship to caffeine is a productive yet fraught dance. If you consume any caffeine after 1 p.m., you won’t get any sleep and will wake up hating the world. Other People’s Bodies can consume caffeine until 3 or 4 p.m. or even have an espresso after dinner. You aren’t them and never will be. Also, if you have more than two (2) cups in a day, you will become convinced that there must be some kind of “demon” inside your chest and you will never be normal again.
c. Despite your many lobbying efforts, Dot’s Homestyle Pretzels are still not considered their own food group and should not be treated as such. A healthy diet consists of diverse foods from those food groups recognized by the scientific community.
d. Drinking prodigious amounts of water won’t solve any of your problems, but not drinking prodigious amounts of water can certainly make a few of them worse.
II. Exercise
a. Your Body and Mind require 4–6 days of exercise per week, unless you want to go to sleep hating the world. Unfortunately, every kind of exercise that you enjoy causes Your Body’s back, knees, or ankles to enter “The Zone of Desolation.”
b. If your physical pain ever starts to feel depressing, it could help to look on the bright side: if you were a hunter-gatherer, you’d probably be dead by now.
III. The Life of the Mind
a. In college, you would read one hundred pages per day and write an essay every week. Now, any paragraph of any article that “seems long” gets skimmed, and you frequently question the names of your friends’ children. For this reason, you are encouraged to reread literature and stick with it even if a character is described with avian features, like having a “beak of a nose” or “the broad face and intense glare of an owl,” which you really hate for some reason.
b. Saying Spanish place or food names with a Spanish accent doesn’t count as “practicing your Spanish,” so you are encouraged to stop believing that saying “carnitas” with a soft r is doing anything, mentally-wise.
c. Will it help your intellectual acuity to keep an ongoing list on your Notes app of possible rules for a tabletop board game based on The Bachelor called Steal You for a Sec? It’s a common question, and the answer is no.
IV. Which Organs Still Work
a. Your kidneys seem fine.
b. Your pancreas hasn’t set off any alarms (yet).
c. Fingernails are not an organ, but the end user will take a win when it’s there.
V. Which Organs Are Touch-and-Go
a. Brain.
b. Eyes.
c. Ears.
d. Skin.
e. Lungs.
f. Stomach.
g. All the other ones.
VI. Psychology
a. Abundant studies demonstrate that staying optimistic about the future helps one remain active and engaged in one’s community, family, and personal wellness. If you ever start to believe that life is a one-way escalator moving downward, ever downward, it is recommended that you stop thinking that somehow.
b. It is crucial to cultivate one’s mind-body connection. Reading a study about the benefits of meditation and saying, “I should start doing that,” is an important first step in realizing that you have no follow-through.
VII. Service
a. As you mature and move forward in life, you ought to give more of yourself to your community. Since you have nothing to offer in terms of physical abilities, wisdom, charm, or general usefulness, consider serving as a frightening cautionary tale.
b. You aren’t old enough for people to feel like they should serve you by mowing your lawn or bringing you chicken pot pies that are easy to reheat, but if you keep making intensely mediocre decisions, those days will arrive very soon.
VIII. Benefits
a. Your age has earned you the right to be cranky. You are allowed, whenever you wish, to say things like “All leaf blowers must die” and “As far as I’m concerned, any grocery store that forces you to use self-checkout machines should be considered a terrorist organization.”
b. Once per week, you are allowed to shudder when thinking about what high school would have been like if social media had been around then.
c. If you ever end up getting a serious brain injury, it probably wouldn’t change much.
Moving Forward
You need not take any action regarding this alarming notice. By continuing to utilize your Parts and Movements on or after today, you agree to the updated Terms. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to type “head difficult to hold upright?” into Reddit.