Your Quest: Bring a Bag of Ice to This Party

Congratulations! You’ve been chosen by the host, your last unmarried friend, to bring a bag of ice to this party. Do you accept this quest?

A. You text: “Ok, sure no prob.”
B. You text: “Oh shoot, I can’t! I’m gonna be super late and you shouldn’t count on me.”

If you choose A, go on to the next question. If you choose B, start watching an episode of The Simpsons you have seen more times this month than you have seen your mother. You just avoided a very challenging quest!

You choose A.

You call the host and ask if there is a grocery store near them. Their answer: “Nope!” But since you called, she’d actually like you to get two bags of ice. How do you respond?

A. “Ok, sure no prob.”
B. “How can you not live near a grocery story when there are three J. Crews on your block?”

If you choose A, go on to the next question. If you choose B, begin searching for new friends in your own neighborhood.

You choose A.

You set out on your journey. When you get on the train, the AC is broken and a sweaty recreational kickball team is standing crotch-level in front of your seat. Do you:

A. Immediately get off and go straight home to your sweet, sweet air conditioning.
B. Use your shirt as a sweat rag and breathe through your nose.

If you choose A, go home and lie naked on your bed in the frigid temperatures. If you choose B, you and your rancid shirt can go on to the next question.

You choose B.

Continue to your stop. Disembark and realize that every store in the area is taking the unspoken “late summer break.” You find out from a shirtless grumpy man that the Burger King sells ice just as you realize you dropped your wallet on the train and all you have is a MetroCard. Do you:

A. Try to pay for the ice with a MetroCard.
B. Pick up items thrown from cars and try to barter for ice with the manager at BK.

If you choose A, go on to the next question. If you choose B, go on to the next question.

It doesn’t really matter what you chose for this one. Not surprisingly, the manager refuses your offer of a MetroCard and garbage from the street. Do you:

A. Give up and walk into the nearest bar where you bum cold beverages off of strangers for two hours.
B. Use some of your precious 14% battery to search “ice near me.”

There is not enough time to decide because your phone is ringing. The host calls and asks where you are with the ice. “There are lots of people here and they want cold vodka. Also, can you get four bags now?” How do you respond?

A. “Hello! This is an automated recording! The person you’re calling has spontaneously combusted. Please try back at a later time.”
B. “Ok, sure no prob.”

If you choose A, go home and call your mom just to “say hi.” If you choose B for some reason, go on to the next question.

You choose B.

You continue on. Look, can we ask you something personal? Are you:

A. Trying to sleep with someone at this party?
B. Trying to show the host that even though you’re single in your mid-30s and sometimes abuse dry shampoo, you still have your shit together enough to get four bags of ice?

You can choose either one, we’re just genuinely curious about your motives. Continue to the next question.

You realize a college friend lives nearby and can probably lend you 10 bucks for those bags of ice at Burger King (also, you badly need to pee). Then you remember you didn’t go to their 35th birthday last week that actually turned out to be a surprise engagement party. Do you:

A. Go to their house and pretend you were in a coma last week, and then casually ask them for $10 for ice?
B. Get out of there! After that double-ghost fiasco you can never speak to them again!

If you choose A, go on to the next question. If you choose B, go home and eat a bunch of cottage cheese for dinner.

You choose A.

Wow, you chose A? Cottage cheese was honestly a good option.

You thought their house was closer… aaaand your friend isn’t home. It’s a pee emergency now, so you drop trou in the community garden in full view of the entire building. As the police are pulling up, the host calls again and asks about your ETA. Do you:

A. Lie and tell her “I’m almost there with seven bags of ice in hand!!”
B. Put the cop on the line to tell her you are going to jail, not her party, which honestly at this point is a sincere relief.

If you choose A, go on to the next question. If you choose B, go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Hope and pray the jail has AC.

You choose A.

It didn’t really matter, you were going to jail either way. You peed on someone’s lettuce! The police arrest you and take you downtown. Do you:

A. Use your one phone call to beg the host for forgiveness?
B. Don’t even use that one call because you only know three people’s numbers by heart: the host’s, your mom’s, and your favorite sushi place. The latter two might bail you out and then you’d have to actually socialize.

If you choose A, go on to the next question. If you choose B, soak up the AC and meditate on “what combination of scents make up your new cellmate’s musk?”