I wrote this halftime speech myself. No one has seen a draft, except for Squee, Tobin, one of my former law clerks, and a pack of Miller Lite.

Coach Kavanaugh hands the team their halftime snack of spaghetti and ketchup.

This is a circus. The consequences of this game will be with me for decades.

BUT I AM AN OPTIMIST!

Listen to the people who I know — they’ll tell you! People who I’ve grown up with, and played with, and coached with, and had beers with. Yeah, I drank beer. I liked beer. I still like beer. We used to play this beer game called the devil’s threesome which was a beer game and not a sex thing.

Beer!

The other team said they would, quote, “oppose us with everything they’ve got.” That may sound normal because they are literally our opponents but here’s a word for you — conspiracy! And here’s another word — beer!

At this point, Coach Kavanaugh takes a five-minute break from his halftime speech to consume a five-gallon Culligan water bottle from the teachers’ lounge.

DO ANY OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE FBI DOES?

I have never coached a game to be lost, ever. But one of my best friends is a loser, so I understand.

I also know at least five girls.

Your behavior on this court is like that of the Democratic National Committee — an embarrassment. But at least it was just a good-ol’-fashioned attempt at borking, which is to be confused with the word “boofing,” which means, uh, farting. Fart jokes are funny.

Beer.

They may defeat us in the final score, but we’ll never quit. Never. Unless you lose. And if you do lose, we will say it’s because the Clintons gave the other team scholarships to basketball school in exchange for beating you. Or maybe this is all just a funny prank by Squee.

Coach Kavanaugh takes another five-minute break from his halftime speech, returning with a tear-stained calendar and a 30 rack of Hamm’s.

My father gave me this calendar. Before my daughter was even born, she was praying for the other team. I wrote that down on my calendar in 1982, on a day in July after we did a football workout. Then we drank some skis at Timmy’s. Skis is short for “brewskis” and “boofing” is just farts.

Coach Kavanaugh shotguns a Hamm’s.

Does anyone wanna play “Never Have I Ever?”

Coach Kavanaugh burps up some beer and starts writing.

Sorry, I have to write down every time I ralph in my calendar. Weak stomach. Full hearts. Can’t lose.

If this game were fair, it would be played in the privacy of our own homes. All of the refs would be our best friends, like Tobin and the girl one. And instead of cheerleaders, Lindsey Graham would do a Tennessee Williams monologue.

My family and my name have been totally and permanently destroyed by your inadequacy at youth basketball. And if you do not win, I demand you to clear my name!

Beer.