The Eudaimonia Institute
For the Study of Human Flourishing
Under Capitalism
Is pleased to announce
Our upcoming conference.
We invite you to submit
A paper for one of our panels,
Which will feature thinkers
Recognized for the kind of
Sustained intellectual inquiry
Associated with Simone de Beauvoir
And the author of The Art of the Deal.
We look forward to welcoming
Authorities in the field of
Happiness and Wellbeing Research.
The conference is co-sponsored by the
University’s Named After A Bank Center
For the Study of Capitalism,
The School of Business In Its Fancy New Building,
And the university’s Office of Happiness,
Which is staffed by happy people
Who put signs up around campus,
Reminding you to be happy, too,
Even when you
Are not.
Aristotle’s term “Eudaimonia”
Can be roughly translated as
“White men in positions of power
In the increasingly
Corporate structure
Of the American university
Are allowed to say
That words mean
Whatever they want them
To mean.”
Seen another way, the term refers to
The wellbeing and flourishing
Of individuals,
The happiness of (some) families,
And the holding of conferences
That explore why the people
Most likely to flourish
Are those who hold conferences
About flourishing.
(Hint: Moxie. Other hint: Boot straps.)
We are also soliciting papers
For a plenary session entitled
“If You Are Poor,
You Have Clearly Failed to Flourish,”
As well as any form of research,
Even research executed in orange crayon,
That defends the existence
Of this institute and its conference
With weak and lazy arguments
That you can’t possibly believe yourself.
Wellbeing is strongly affected
By the economic, political,
Moral, and cultural institutions
In which we live.
To live a productive and fulfilling life
Requires an understanding of the
Nature of these institutions,
Which we will explain to one another
At the conference,
And then afterwards,
Invisible people who
May or may not feel a sense of
Wellbeing
Will clean up.
The conference will be held in
A glittering golden castle
Encrusted with jewels
And surrounded by a moat,
And presenters will be ferried across
This moat,
Which is absolutely not like
The river Styx
And is really just a normal moat.
This gathering will bring together
Pioneers in the field of
“Wellbeing.”
We remind you that this is a
Legitimate scholarly field
And not something that
Someone
Made up.
“Wellbeing” combines
Things like
“History,” “Philosophy,”
“English Literature,” and “Art,”
Throws out all of the
Unnecessarily complicated stuff,
Tosses in quite a lot of other stuff
About how free enterprise is
Just grand,
And mixes it all up
Into the kind of cocktail you
Can expect
From an airport bar.
But this is as it should be.
While these other fields
Are lovely ways to pass the time –
Perhaps under a flowering tree –
They consistently struggle
To attract the financial support
Of their universities and alumni
And therefore cannot be truly
Valuable.
Conversely, the value of
The Eudaimonia Institute
For the Study of Human Flourishing
Under Capitalism
Is clear,
As we have pots of money,
Very much like the end
Of the rainbow.
The conference organizers will cover
Participants’ lodging for two nights,
Transportation from the hotel
To the event site,
And all meals,
Which will be prepared in a
Dramatic Iron Chef-esque cook-off
Between Tom Colicchio, Mario Batali,
And a surprise guest chef who is
Definitely not a woman.
If we have any leftovers,
We’ll be sure to send them over to
Various humanities departments,
If they will tell us where they are.
Submitted papers should represent original,
Unpublished research and
Should not be formatted in a silly font.
Please do not include
Family photos
Or drawings of penises.
If you have further questions about
The goals of the Eudaimonia Institute
For the Study of Human Flourishing
Under Capitalism,
Please consult our Research Plan,
Which a shrewish member
Of the English department said,
“Isn’t going to be mistaken for
David Foster Wallace,”
To which we say:
You are obviously
Deeply unhappy,
And who the hell is that?