The referee

This person has been taking their children to the playground since the 1930s and has developed an elaborate game that involves constantly running from one part of the playground to another. You will occasionally hear them yell out instructions like “Red alert!” “Back to home base!” and “Snarl time! SNARL TIME!” but still leave the playground with no understanding whatsoever of what this game is or how it’s played. You will get in the way of whatever it is they’re doing and force them to start over at least three times.

The mom looking at her phone

She will make you feel like such a better parent than her that you will have no choice but to get out your phone and post about it.

The group of friends

Seriously, though, who are these people? There are, like, ten of them, and they’re talking and laughing with the easy familiarity of people who have known each other for years. Haven’t they read any of those think pieces about how we live in an isolated age with no sense of community anymore? Don’t they know you’re supposed to spend what little free time you have as a new parent complaining about how hard it is to make friends as a new parent, not actually going out and making friends? It’s disgusting. You will spend the entire ride home making fun of the weird sneakers that one dad was wearing to cover up how jealous you are that they didn’t immediately invite you into their group.

The dad stuck in the slide

Look, you know how it is, right? The kids are a little too excited to play with their dad, and the dad is a little too eager to prove he can still hang. So, here we are: Dad is stuck in the tube slide. Just leave him alone until the fire department arrives.

The teacher, maybe?

She’s with at least eight kids, and they’re all wearing mostly matching outfits, so even if one of them is hers, they’ve still got to be from a school or something, right? Maybe it’s one of those things where they try to trick kids into thinking physics is fun by showing them how it applies to playgrounds, or maybe this is just what field trips are now? Ponder these questions to distract yourself from the fact that she is doing a much better job with eight kids than you are with one.

Alexander Skarsgård

Alexander Skarsgård is a great dad. He takes his child to the playground at least twice a week.

The dad who wears earbuds the whole time

Okay, but the weird thing is he’s not being inattentive. He still plays with his kids; it’s just, well, he’s wearing his earbuds. Both of them. Is he closing a business deal with some people overseas? Is he super excited about the new Jack White album? You will keep waiting for one of his children to get hurt while he’s distracted, but this will not happen, making you both relieved and disappointed.

The nice one

This was the best surprise you’ve had in years. You were just watching your kid play in the sandbox when another kid toddled up to her, and suddenly, they were playing together. You and her mom got to talking, and it turns out they just moved to this town, too, and are also still trying to get their bearings and find things to do with their toddler. It was the strongest connection you’ve felt with another person in years, and even your children got along apart from when they started fighting over the same blue shovel that didn’t actually belong to either of them. The whole experience was lovely.

You will never see or hear from this person again.