OK, I want you to listen very carefully and do exactly what I say. First off, do not panic. I know the driver has become violently ill, but it’s now up to you to park this cab, and you need to remain calm. I’m going to talk you through it, every step of the way.

All right, now the cruise control is still on, so let’s get you familiar with the controls. Below the windshield in front of you, there should be some circular dials; this is your instrument panel. Do you see the instrument panel? OK, good. Now, the large dial on the left, that’s your speed. To the left of the panel, there should be a small box with three digital displays. One of them is labeled “Fare.” It is extremely important that you do not push the reset button on this box. In fact, just ignore that box altogether.

Do you see the big round hoop in front of the instrument panel? That’s the steering wheel. It changes the direction of the cab. I want you to carefully put your hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 o’clock. I know it’s almost noon—what does that matter? My apologies. Put your hands on the left and right sides of the steering wheel. Now try to get a feel for how the cab moves. Pull the wheel to the right slowly. Nothing? Sorry, spin the wheel to the right. I’m hearing some honking and yelling. You may have turned the wheel too far. Spin it back to the left.

OK, now do you see the green signs passing overhead? Watch those signs and tell me when you see one that says “Airport Exit.” You see one? What does it say? Two miles? Damn it. OK, look down on the floor. How many pedals do you see near your feet? Oh, thank God. All right, with two pedals, the left one is your brake—it slows the car down—and the right one is your accelerator—it makes the car go faster. I want you to tap the brake lightly with your foot to disengage the cruise control.

OK, can you see the exit ramp yet? Good. Now, as you steer toward the ramp, press the left pedal gently. Good. Good. You should be on the airport road. Now look for signs that read “Extended Parking.” No, short-term is too expensive! Yes, but someone still has to … Fine. Whatever, just use the short-term lot then. No, it’s fine. Really.

Use your left pedal again while you steer into the parking lot. You should see rows of parked cars. Look for an open spot between two cars. Do you see one? Good. Now we’re going to initiate the parking sequence. Try to relax. You’re doing great. Keep the accelerator steady until you get within 10 feet of the spot. As you get close, switch to the brake pedal and … No, brake! Left pedal! Left! OK, you’re fine. You’re fine. Just stay calm. We’ll circle around and try again.

Tell me when you’re approaching the spot again. All right. Initiate the parking sequence. Ease up on the accelerator and switch gently to the left pedal. Turn the steering wheel toward the parking spot. Good. You’re almost there. Get ready to brake hard … Turn the wheel back. Get ready. Braaaake … Now! Now!

You did it! You did it! You parked that sonofabitch! You parked it! Congratulations! That was some of the best damn driving I’ve ever seen in my 25 years as a dispatcher. Hot damn, that was amazing.

All there’s left to do is to pay your fare. If the driver is unconscious, just leave it on the dashboard. And remember: tipping is still greatly appreciated. Have a safe flight!