All the Reasons I Should Have Kids, Explained to Me By a Mother Whose House is Burning Down

You will LOVE having kids! It’s the best. I mean look at that little face. How could you say no to those chubby cheeks? Honestly, I don’t even know how you’ve waited this long. Oh, don’t worry about that, it’s just a small stovetop fire, Chris can put it out. When you’re a mom this kind of thing happens all the time and I’ve become a much more patient person because of it. God, where is Chris. CHRIS! Can you get down here and put out the fire, please?

Anyways as I was saying, kids are a freaking miracle. Are you going to freeze your eggs? You really should if you’re still waiting for the “right one” or whatever. Oh will you look at that, the fire spread to the hand towel. CHRIS THOSE FLAMES AREN’T GOING TO PUT THEMSELVES OUT! Honestly, you can’t get him to do anything. But then if I do it it’s like, I’m doing everything, you know?

What were we talking about again? Oh, right. Babies! They make you so happy. You might think you’re happy right now, but you’re not. I mean look at that baby, do you really want to miss out on all that joy? I literally have no regrets, and I’ve never felt like I’ve had my life so figured out. Ugh, now the carpet’s burning. No, don’t worry. Our therapist said I need to wait for Chris to be his own solution. But then if I yell at him it’s like, I’m the bad guy. I mean, really. Come on.

I guess I just don’t understand why you’ve waited so long? Your biological clock is ticking away, you know. Every year you wait is a year you miss out on life’s biggest, most beautiful… one second. CHRIS! YOU’VE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR OVER A FUCKING HOUR! GET DOWN HERE NOW! It’s like, is he really going to spend an hour in there just so he can get out of doing one thing?

Anyways like I was saying, sure it’s tough sometimes but so is everything… that’s… [cough]… [cough] …worth it. Wow, it is smokey in here. CHRIS! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE AND… [cough] …[cough]

Ah, so much better outside in the fresh air, isn’t it? Little Gabe loves the outdoors. I keep telling everyone that one day he’s going to be a famous mountain climber or one of those slackliners on YouTube. I guess he’s going to love it even more now that we’ll be sleeping in our backyard — just until Chris gets around to calling the fire department.

Now as I was saying, you need to decide what you want. Do you want stability and a beautiful family, or do you want to be alone for eternity? Sure some might argue that marriage is an outdated institution, but honestly I couldn’t be more happy with my life and — oh would you look at that, Chris has been engulfed in flames. Well, at least he died doing what he loved most.

Now, let’s talk about when you’re going to get married, because you really need to do that sooner than later, you know.