Capitalize formal titles like President, Prime Minister or ∼Official Jeff Goldblum Stan, Smash Me Daddy, Hallelujah∽.

We no longer use (sic) to show that quoted material includes a misspelling. Now, we just assume it does.

“Theater” refers to a theatrical establishment. “Theatre” is what happens when you tweet about how you’re actually combating cultural appropriation by not washing your legs.

Never capitalize job descriptions. Do whatever you want with “head of community.”

Use a person’s full name on first reference, such as “Why is Alyssa Milano tweeting about this?” On subsequent references, use the person’s last name. Example: “Please, make Milano stop.”

Use commas when making a list. Use👏clap👏emojis👏when👏making👏a👏goddamn👏point👏.

Titles of books, movies and similar works should be capitalized and placed in quotation marks. For example, “Spy Kids 2,” a 2002 children’s film that is probably trending now for no reason.

No need to use quotes in titles of magazines, newspapers or your “Lord of The Rings” fanfiction where Elrond has sex with both Frodo and Neville Longbottom. At the same time.

Use “either” to mean “one or the other,” not “both.” For example, “Feel old yet? The lemur from ‘Zoboomafoo’ is either hiding out in Bermuda or draped over a poacher’s bed. No one’s sure which.”

Capitalize proper nouns such as the Republican Party, Erie Canal, or The Link to My Soundcloud.

When using numbers, spell out one through nine (as in the number of likes you get on a thoughtful, well-crafted joke tweet). Use figures for numbers 10 and up (like 30,000, the number of likes you get when you put a drooling emoji over a picture of Zac Efron’s Achilles heel).

Use a hyphen in compound modifiers. For example, when you’re putting out a 45-tweet thread about how body positivity is fine but you’ve worked hard for your rock-hard body and you won’t be shamed for that.

Avoid the Oxford comma unless it’s necessary for clarity — for example, when tweeting about how you can’t wait to get married and enjoy your kids, softball and hot monthly sex. Omitting the comma means you’ll field a lot of messages from mommy bloggers asking if your kids, “Softball” and “Hot Monthly Sex,” have peanut allergies.

Do use parallel sentence construction in your tweets. Do not use parallel thinking in your tweets – wait, never mind, I just saw the same joke you made about “Queer Eye” tweeted out by Billy Eichner. Sorry.

When writing about height, weight or other dimensions, use figures for numbers and spell out words. Example: You are 5-foot-7 and at a pretty normal weight for your height, despite the fact you constantly refer to yourself as a LARD-COVERED PIECE OF GARBAGE to drive engagement.

AP Style U.S. state abbreviations differ from their corresponding Postal Service abbreviations. Remember this when ratio-ing journalists for suggesting that your home state’s bread scene is anything less than yeast-tacular.

“Figuratively” means in an analogous sense. “Literally” means in an exact sense. Example: A stranger tracked my location and literally tried to hit me with his car after I tweeted a mildly disparaging Joy Division joke.

A flounder is a fish. To flounder is to move clumsily or jerkily, as a skilled viral tweeter may when faced with the opportunity to make a substantive point about our present political situation.