To Whom It May Concern:
Hello! My name is Sarah Sloat and I recently came upon your advertisement seeking a Bridge Troll Associate Apprentice. I graduated with honors in 2012 and have since then pursued a variety of professional experiences that I believe equip me to be your best candidate. I am well versed in Microsoft Office, administrative duties, and social media.
Thank you for your consideration,
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for reaching out to us. A bit more about the position—essentially we would have you at one of our Central Park locations and your primary duties would include managing toll finances, bridge repair, and the occasional kidnapping of human children. You should know that while your title would be Associate Apprentice, this is an unpaid position. However, we can cover your MetroCard expenses and after an evaluative period you would be qualified to inherit the firstborn child of our enemy, the Faerie King. Please let me know if you are interested and we can have a trial-go!
Best,
The Troll Queen
To the Troll Queen,
Thanks for your quick reply! I would be honored to come in, meet with you, and learn more about your goals for this position.
Best,
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Perfect, sounds like a plan. Please note that our major goal is complete domination of the 11th Kingdom. At the next waning moon, meet me at the bridge closest to 72nd street at the hour of midnight. When you smell the first hint of honeysuckle, pinch your eyes and remember the first time your mother nestled you down as a babe. If that doesn’t work, text me at 212-666-6666.
See you soon,
The Troll Queen
Hi Gurgentachia the Gloomy,
Again, so great meeting you last night! I really appreciated the chance to learn more about your business operation and how you were cheated from the Throne of Dandelions. It’s really inspiring that you are so focused on your eternal quest for revenge. I’d like to take this opportunity to let you know I kidnapped four orphans, wheeled a box of stones to the other side of the hill, and set up your Instagram account. It’s unfortunate that Plurpinchin turned to stone at sunrise, however I truly feel that I am equipped to both handle his former position as Sludge Manager-In-Training and the available apprenticeship. Please let me know.
Sincerely Yours,
Sarah
Greetings Sarah,
Do not ever call me anything other than the Troll Queen, or else I shall curse your family with the pox. However, you’re hired! I really think you took a lot of initiative during your bridge training and we are in dire straits because of Plurpinchin’s passing to the Mother Realm. I’d love for you to come in tomorrow night for your first shift. Please do not forget your social security number and W4 forms. Death to the Faerie King!
Best,
The Troll Queen