Good morning, Valley High staff and faculty. We’ve been getting a lot of questions from students lately regarding our process for selecting a homecoming king. Below is a brief Q&A that spells out our system very clearly. Please share this with your students. Hopefully it clears up any lingering confusion they might have.

Q. What is Valley High’s process for selecting a homecoming king?

A. It’s very simple. During your homeroom in 7th period, each student will receive a ballot with the options for homecoming king. Students shall fill out their ballot and submit them to your homeroom teacher. Based on the results of those ballots, the student council will then convene during 8th period to determine a winner.

Q. That last part seems unnecessary. Why not just count the ballots and whoever gets more votes is the homecoming king?

A. Great question. The thing is, when you fill out your ballot, you aren’t actually electing a homecoming king. You’re electing the student council member from your homeroom that represents the homecoming king you’ve chosen.

Q. That seems needlessly convoluted.

A. It’s actually not!

Q. Why even divide it up by homerooms? We all go to the same school. Let’s just pool our votes and see who wins.

A. If we did that, we would give unfair advantage to the bigger homerooms!

Q. I… suppose… that… almost makes sense.

A.. Really? That worked for you? Cool.

Q. Does every homeroom get to vote?

A. Yes and no. Every homeroom does put forward a candidate that the majority of their classroom has elected. However, we’ve noticed most homerooms in this school always tend to vote the same way. So it really comes down to a handful of homerooms that are less predictable.

Q. Which homerooms are you talking about?

A. We’d rather not say.

Q. No. You’re kidding. It can’t be.

A. Yes, OK, fine. One of these so-called “swing” homerooms is frequently Mr. Chad’s homeroom in the southeastern-most wing of the school.

Q. Dear God. We’re trusting the election of our homecoming king to Mr. Chad’s homeroom? Didn’t one of his students take bath salts and eat someone’s face a few years ago?

A. We refuse to comment on the alleged bath salts incident.

Q. There are literally alligators in his classroom.

A. We are not here to discuss Mr. Chad’s peculiarities. We’re here to answer questions about our system for selecting a homecoming king.

Q. Has a situation ever occurred where the majority of students in the school voted for one candidate, but the other candidate wound up winning?

A. …

Q. You’ve got to be kidding me.

A. Only once or twice. Four, five times, max.

Q. How is that even possible?

A. Math can be kooky.

Q. Fine. OK. So setting aside all of our other concerns, it at least appears that this student council rendezvous is in place as a sort of final safeguard against someone unfit being selected as homecoming king?

A. In theory, yes.

Q. What do you mean, “in theory”?

A. Well, yes, ideally the student council committee is in place as a final firewall so we can avoid any homecoming king catastrophes. Sometimes, however those kids just sort of do whatever they feel like.

Q. What —

A. Most of the time they vote the way their homerooms voted. But, if you want to get really technical, there are no rules in place that say they actually have to do that. One time we had a kid write in his weed dealer. One time a basketball player refused to go with his homeroom’s choice because that particular candidate had performed a sick dunk on him in a scrimmage earlier that week.

Q. Who are these kids anyway?

A. To be honest, we’re not even sure. They’re not talked about as often as you would think they would be, ha ha.

Q. This system seems awful.

A. This system has been in place since this school was founded over 100 years ago. The original school board instituted this process and we will follow their guidelines, however mysterious and confounding they seem to be, to an absolute T.

Q. But a lot has changed since Alexander Valley founded this school a hundred years ago! The entire context within which this school exists is drastically different from the way it was back then. Isn’t it time for an honest reappraisal of the system, to judge whether it’s still sensible in our modern climate?

A. Nope, sorry. It’s just the way it is. Any other questions?

Q. Yes: One of the homecoming king options this time is a real asshole. Can you do something about that?

A. Sorry, our hands are tied. You’ll just have to trust the system.