There are several common lines of inquiry when someone learns you’re vegan. These scripted responses will spare everyone a tedious conversation and might even make you less annoying at dinner parties (but probably won’t).
Where do you get your protein?
From peanut butter, seitan, and the ten thousand french fries I eat every time I join my non-vegan friends out for dinner.
Would you break your veganism if you were stranded on a desert island and had to choose between eating animals and starving to death?
No, I’d survive on a nutritious diet of moral self-righteousness. Okay, fine, and a single guppy that lived a full happy life and died of natural causes.
How long have you been vegan? It seems like just another food fad.
I’ve been vegan for [X] years, and vegetarian for [Y] years before that. But you’re right; it might still be just a phase, like my curtain bangs.
Don’t you miss cheese, though?
Yes. Next question.
Do you wear leather?
No, but if you meant in that way, I can assure you that pleather tastes pretty close to the real thing.
How do you make sure you’re getting proper nutrition?
I take vitamins, supplements, and antidepressants. That last one’s not a vegan thing, more just a living-in-the-world thing.
Are you opposed to fast food places that serve vegan food alongside meat?
No, because I prefer not to starve to death on road trips.
Is it really accurate to call yourself a vegan since you’ve probably accidentally eaten meat a bunch of times?
I try to avoid accidental acts of carnivorism, but when they happen, I don’t consider myself any less of a vegan—and the eight spiders I swallowed in my sleep last year will back me up.