I wake up this morning with hope in my heart and new followers in my notifications.

I am at peace with my past status updates that received a less than expected number of likes.

I am thankful to be alive. I am enchanted by the warmth of the sun, the smell of the breeze, and the size of my data plan.

Everything that is showing up in my feed — no matter how sad it makes me — is for my ultimate good.

I am too big of a gift to this world to not tweet my ceaseless inner monologue on an hourly basis.

Although today is filled with tribulations, tomorrow a B-list celebrity will regram me, and I will be truly happy.

I forgive those who have hurt me in the past and peacefully unfollow them, only to later refollow them and stalk their profile. I wonder what Megan is doing, like, right now?

My capacity to overcome obstacles is vast; my potential to realize my dreams is infinite; my ability to ineffectually complain about my minor disappointments on Facebook is limitless.

I have no right to compare myself to others, unless I have an accurate picture of their lives from following them for at least six weeks on Snapchat.

I will find the perfect job for me. I will connect with people on LinkedIn who seem vaguely important until a great job floats my way. Then I’ll update my job title so that that Megan sees it and regrets breaking up with such a great, ambitious guy like me.

I possess the self-control needed to avoid posting insensitive remarks about terrorist attacks that would lead to a career-ending public shaming on Twitter.

A flood of compassion washes away my negativity and replaces it with encouraging comments on (but not contributions to) other people’s annoying Kickstarter campaigns.

My Corgi, Jeeves, is resplendent. As my status updates clearly show, no dog more cutely wears a human hat, vest, or holiday costume. I think I’ll tag Megan in my next Jeeves post and hope she notices. She totally loved that dog.

I will share my greatness, my unique talents, with the world. I will share my dank memes.

There are so many new experiences waiting for me today, so many passing distractions to help me ignore the reality of death.

I will not waste my life asking “what if…?” I will live it to the fullest, vicariously in my newsfeed. Hey, who’s that guy with Megan!? Oh, that’s just Curtis, her coworker. My heart stopped there for a minute!

I communicate my romantic needs clearly and calmly. They are right there for my partner to read on my microfiction Tumblr.

I receive more Facebook invitations to karaoke jams, improv shows, and backyard barbecues than I could ever want. I am so desired and loved. Hmm — it looks like Megan is a “maybe” for Steve’s birthday. I guess I could stop by for the whole thing, just in case.

I stand up for myself and my beliefs by insulting total strangers in the comment threads of controversial posts. Also, who the fuck is Mike Cunningham and why does he think I’m mansplaining what mirror neurons are?

As I contemplate how my photo feed has been updated over time to include new travel locations and people I’ve had sex with, I feel immense gratitude for the positive forces that surround me. Oh, and did I mention this? Megan and I are hanging out again!

I am blessed with a camera-friendly romantic partner, an implausibly perfect life, and friends that were pulled straight from a Tequila ad. See, look at them. Look, look, look, look, look.