Apple picking and hayrides are great, but the best part of autumn is cozying up inside. Plus, we’ll have to stay in once the election, pandemic, and recession combine with civil unrest to bring down society. So, here are a few tips to spruce up your home for the inevitable fall.

SOFT TOUCHES

Get comfy by loading up your seating with throw pillows. Add extra seasonal flair with colors like “raisin” and “cinnabar.” You’ll be glad you have these cuddly cushions when you want to plop down for a nap on a chilly afternoon or swap them between rooms to change up the space. Plus, they’re perfect for screaming into.

ACCENTUATE THE SPACE

Worried you’re going to feel like this forever? Two words: accent wall. Pick a rich earth tone and get painting. Then, paint the wall right next to it so you have a dark corner to stare into while the voices tell you to move to Canada.

GET WOODSY

Keep a stack of logs by the fireplace bound with rope, or arranged in an old metal tub. It’ll give the room a rustic look and you’ll be ready to heat canned beans when Russia shuts down the power grid to screw with our voting machines.

BASKETS BASKETS BASKETS

We love setting open weave baskets all around the house to amp up the country vibe, while also adding extra storage for board games, scarves, toilet paper, bottled water, iodine tablets, rations, mace, knives, ammunition, or chunky knit blankets.

SEND A MESSAGE

Wrap a chalkboard with leaves and berries, and use it to post messages for the fam, like, DINNER TONIGHT: THREE BEAN CHILI! or DO NOT USE THE INTERNET! SECRET FEDERAL POLICE ARE MONITORING OUR WEB TRAFFIC BECAUSE DAD GAVE MONEY TO A BAIL RELIEF FUND.

PATTERN OF THE SEASON

Get a bunch of plaid. Also, do you have any idea how to gut a fish? Of course you don’t, living in that cozy house with a Whole Foods six minutes away. Well, you better learn now, because you are two months from creek chub being your only source of protein.

SAFE AND SOUND

You didn’t bring enough of the outdoors in! Run back to the forest and get sticks and rocks to build a wall inside your front door. Pack it with broken glass and seal it with dried mud. Strip naked and scream to the neighborhood that no one is getting in until it’s safe to eat inside a Chipotle.

ACORNS!

You didn’t grab a shit ton of acorns too? Don’t wait to be told what to do! Use your instincts or you’ll be done for! You can eat those acorns, fire them with a slingshot, and stuff them into burlap sacks to make decoy mannequins. Why are you still reading? Gather them now before your neighbors hoard them all!

FAMILY PROJECT

If you have enough kids, there may still be time to dig a bunker.

LEARN TO SPEAK MANDARIN

Do it!

KEEP A WARM GLOW

Votive candles add the perfect ambiance to any room. Keep them lit so you’re ready to go when it’s time to burn it all down.