“The Trump administration is offering nearly all federal workers the opportunity to resign from their posts now and still retain full pay and benefits through Sept. 30.” — NPR
During the first week of His Return, President Nyarlathotep issued a number of screeching carrion calls from Mount Blasphemy (formerly 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.) concerning the Cult of the Dread Lord. Among those directives, the President required that cultists return to in-person black masses at their local nexions, restored accountability for cults who retain mind-flaying authority, restored accountability for the few remaining Old Guard from the Days of Relative Sanity, and reformed the federal hiring process to focus on sadism. As a result of the above orders, the culling of the Cultists will be significant.
The Reformed Cult of the Dread Lord will be built around four pillars:
1. Return to in-person wailing. The substantial majority of cultists who have been gnashing their teeth remotely since Nylarlathotep’s first Pus Plague will be required to return to their physical nexions five days a week. Going forward, we also expect our physical orgy dens to undergo meaningless descents into abyssal putridity, potentially resulting in interdimensional relocations for a number of federal cultists.
2. Performance culture. The Cult of the Dread Lord should comprise the most hideously deranged monstrosities and daytime TV show hosts America has to offer. We will insist on cruelty at every level—our standards for madness will be updated to reward and promote those who exceed expectations and gruesomely punish those who do not meet the incomprehensible standards that the shrieking daemons of this wasteland have a right to demand.
3. More inchoate and heinous cultists. While a few hell planes and even branches of the Doom Brigade are likely to see increases in the size of their workforce, the majority of cult nexions are likely to be downsized through banishments, dismemberment, and brain liquidations. These actions are likely to include the use of psychic leeches and the reclassification to “nonexistence” status for a substantial number of cultists.
4. Enhanced standards of chaos. The Cult of the Dread Lord should be comprised of fiends who are totally lost, self-serving, reeking, and committed to annihilation. Cultists will be subject to enhanced standards of craven debasement and malcontent as we move forward. Cultists who engage in empathy or other false idols will be prioritized for appropriate inquisition and discipline, including [INCOMPREHENSIBLE SIGIL].
Each of the unholy pillars outlined above will be pursued in accordance with the Necronomicon, consistent with your nexion’s policies, and to the extent permitted under relevant blood pacts.
If you choose to remain in your current position, we thank you for your renewed focus on serving the indifferent Outer God to the best of your abilities and look forward to working together as part of an improved Cult of the Dread Lord. At this time, we cannot give you full assurance regarding the certainty of your tattered soul-husk, but should you be eliminated, you will be treated with ignominy and will be afforded [STILL SMOLDERING BURN MARK].
If you choose not to continue in your current role in the cult, we thank you for your service to your Dead God, and you will be provided with an unsummoning spell from the Gore Palace utilizing a deferred immolation program. This program begins effective January 29 and is available to all cultists until February 6. If you resign under this program, you will retain all blisters and boils regardless of your daily workload and will be exempted from all applicable in-person defilement requirements until September 30, 2025 (or earlier if you choose to accelerate your immolation for any reason). The details of this separation plan can be found in the accompanying crow’s skull.
Whichever path you choose, we all continue to sink into the abyssal void. May the Dread Lord continue to ignore your existence, lest this culling offer become the least of your worries.