Humble Pie
Modest Strudel
Unpresuming Sorbet
Apologetic Yule Log
Deflated Tiramisu
Contrite Root Beer Float
Chastened Toblerone
Penitent Peach Cobbler
Conscience-Stricken Mississippi Mud Brownies
Thoroughly Humiliated Lobby Vending Machine Hostess Cupcake
Oh Dear God My Echo Chamber Is Cracking Cocoa Souffle
My Constant One-Upmanship Has Finally Backfired Baklava
I Should’ve Worked On My Active Listening Two Months Ago Angel Food Cake
Evidently My Poor Behavioral Control Has Social Consequences Crème Brûlée
Projecting My Fragile Ego Has A Tendency To Poison Everything Chocolate Eclair
Using Emotional Outbursts To Manipulate Other People Will Slowly Erode My Credibility Chewy Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
Rationalizing My Failures As The Incompetence Of My Colleagues Is Not A Winning Long-Term Strategy Butterscotch Sticky Buns
Getting What I Want By Repeatedly Crossing Other People’s Boundaries Will Alienate Me Eventually White Chocolate Chunk Macadamia Nut Cheesecake With Farm-Fresh Raspberries
Assuming That Because The Other Investment Bankers In My Firm All Have Fancy Degrees And Drive Nice Cars, Therefore Our Fraudulent Securities Trading Practices are Invincible Turned Out To Be Mistaken Oh Fuck Me Mochi Ice Cream
I Neglected To Heed The Fact That It Has Been Thoroughly Established By Historical Example — And, I Must Now Admit, Basic Common Sense—That One Should Not Attempt A Land Invasion Of Russia During The Winter, And For That I Truly Apologize Apple Pie à la Mode
Defending An Untenable Scientific Hypothesis In The Face Of Overwhelming Contrary Evidence Will Surely Lead To My Views Being Overturned As I Am Replaced By A Younger, Sharper, Momentarily Less Blinkered Generation Of Thinkers Who Are Quickly Revealing My Ideology To Be Horse Shit And Relegating My Life’s Work To Oblivion As Everyone I’ve Tried So Vainly To Impress Dies And The Universe Works Its Way, Second By Second, To An Inexorable Heat Death Hot Fudge Sundae