To: Alabama English Department Listserv
From: Commissioner Oliu
Subject: UAEDF Stadium Proposal

Chairpersons of the Board of Directors of the UAEDFL,

In nearby Savannah, Georgia, Juliette “Daisy” Gordon Low organized the first chapter of the Girl Scouts of the United States of America, which was established to promote the social welfare of young women in our glorious nation, as well as to American girls living abroad. The Girl Scouts adopted the Scouting principles as set forth by Robert Baden-Powell, which stated that one can build self-esteem by teaching values such as fairness, honesty, courage, compassion, character, confidence, citizenship, and sisterhood through activities including camping, community service, learning first aid, and earning numerous badges.

As one who scoffs at the pagan un-Americanness of “being outside,” I can’t help but question the intent of the Girl Scouts of the United States of America. Furthermore, while I cannot speak to the activities of girl scouts, I’ve had multiple bad experiences with the Boy Scouts of America, including being forced to participate in “Klondike Days” where I had to eat “Mulligan Stew,” which was simply a combination of every single type of Campbell’s Chunky Soup. Sweet Jesus, hobos live poorly. In general, my troop (the Webelo Troop of Readington, New Jersey) was kind of awful. One time it rained on the day we were supposed to receive our Camping Badges, so instead we just hung out in the finished basement of Win Emmons’ house and played Final Fight for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Furthermore, the yellow-breasted goldfinch in Win’s backyard wouldn’t eat from our delicious Skippy Peanut Butter and birdseed concoction, so the Birdwatching Badge checklist had to be forged.

Scouting blows.

This, of course, brings us to present day, where the loyal gridiron hopefuls of the UAEDFL made their way to our usual field location at the 15th Street/Queen City park, only to find a full-fledged Girls Scouts of America Jamberoo taking place. Yes, indeed, it was “Girlapalooza,” a celebration of girl power, complete with enough of a Tuscaloosa Police presence to dissuade us from even thinking about trying to take over the field for our game.

At least the cookies were delicious. Three cheers for Tagalongs!

And so, Chairpersons of the Board of the UAEDFL, we submit for your approval plans for AIG Fannie Mae Freddie Mac Merrill Lynch Barry Hannah Montana Stadium, a retractable roof facility with elements of kinetic architecture that will hold approximately 72,154 people. Construction would begin in December of 2009 and would start with the destruction of Gorgas Library in hopes to make room for the stadium. There will be some negotiation with the University, naturally, as the destruction of the library will cut down on the amount of bathrooms available on Alabama Game Days as well as the sub-par coffee it offers during school days, which, according to the University, are the two chief functions of the Gorgas Library.

For those concerned about the destruction of Gorgas, have no fear. The stadium will cleverly assimilate the library into the construction. For example, the School of Library and Information Studies will be made into a state-of-the-art Food Court, featuring all of your favorite game-time snacks, such as The Ryan Browne Burger, the Pincumbe and Parker Porker Sandwich, and hot dogs.

Ideally, the stadium would be completed by the end of 2010 so that we can take full advantage of this government surplus that we’ve recently been handed. That’s what a buyout means, yes?

In the meantime, we will dance amongst the tiger lilies THIS SUNDAY AT 10:30 a.m. AT THE 15TH STREET/QUEEN CITY PARK.

To our future!

- The Commissioner