“Senate Democrats relented to heavy pressure and joined Republicans in ending a three-day federal shutdown Monday, winning little more than a promise from Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell to conduct an immigration debate in coming weeks.” — The Boston Globe, 1/23/18
Folks, please stop yelling at us. Put the tomatoes down. We get it. You’re all wondering how we could cut a deal with the man who traded Jesus’s life for a mere 30 silver coins. The truth is, we came to an agreement with Judas today because he vaguely promised us this time was going to be different. Although his behavior to this point has been nothing but a potpourri of backstabbing, this man made us a promise, and that means everything to us. Judas’s words are enough for us to completely forget his behavior up until this point and fully trust him to fulfill his tepid commitment.
What is a soft promise worth from Judas, the guy whose name is someday going to become synonymous with betrayal? It’s worth a whole lot in our eyes. We’re not going to act like a bunch of obstructionist apostles just because Judas got our Lord and Savior crucified. Our group of disciples has been in a shutdown standoff for three days now. Enough is enough. Christ has been resurrected. It’s time to come to a temporary agreement with Judas and reopen the discipleship. We need to get back to work.
Some of you are saying we blew the negotiation because we are weak-kneed cowards. You think we caved? Think again, naysayers. We hastily gave up our momentary leverage for a loose verbal deal with a notorious Christ betrayer, so we see the outcome as a big win. It doesn’t get any more ironclad than a pinky swear from Judas. Also, we don’t see anyone giving Jesus a hard time for caving. Well, technically he only emerged from a cave. But, still.
We’re also excellent negotiators, so this result didn’t occur because we were outmaneuvered by Judas at the negotiating table. We got exactly what we wanted. We went into these discussions seeking nothing but a handshake agreement from the man who kissed Jesus one second and then sold him out to the Roman state the next. Our goals for this negotiation purposely lacked any semblance of ambition. Going into these negotiations with more ambitious goals would’ve been greedy and as we all know, greed is a sin.
The good news is we now have an entirely non-binding agreement from Judas Iscariot. This should be celebrated as a victory. What are the chances that Judas will betray us again? That would be so much betrayal in a row, which just seems unlikely. We’re feeling very optimistic going into our next round of talks with the guy who deceived Jesus Christ for a bag of loose coins.