Night 1
- “The Star-Spangled Banner” sung by Kid Rock (featuring Scott Stapp on spoons)
Speakers:
- The robot baby from American Sniper
- Chris Christie reenacts Mr. Trump’s favorite scenes from Coach
- Ann Coulter just stands there for an hour, then plays theremin for an hour, then two more hours of standing
- George W. Bush, as interpreted by Eric Trump
- A giraffe piñata that everyone gets to huck golf balls at
- Curt Schilling demonstrates better throwing method, hucking golf balls back at conventioneers
- Vladimir Putin
- Mr. Trump (topic TBA)
- Serving of actual giraffe meat from inside giraffe piñata
Night 2
- “America the Beautiful” sung by Lionel Richie but he’s blindfolded and thinks he’s at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, so shhhhhhhh
- Opening prayer by Jeff God, who tells us he’s God’s grandson, which is A BIG DEAL
Speakers:
- The Monopoly Guy
- 100,000 ferrets are released in the auditorium just because hey why not, maybe it’s symbolic, maybe it’s just ferrets, but man can those bastards run
- The entire movie Boat Trip, which everyone knows is hilarious
- Dick Cheney’s sneers are amplified to deafening levels
- Notes from high-profile Republicans who couldn’t make it, told through the art of dance
- Eric Trump sings “These Bros I Have Known”
- Dr. Guy Psychiatrist, the discoverer of psychiatry, announces winner of Most Stable Candidate of All-Time contest
- Mr. Trump (many topics)
Night 3
- “You’re a Grand Old Flag” sung by, hmm, who we got, John Ratzenberger? Can he sing?
Speakers:
- Scott Baio demonstrates how to “Zap” people/world’s largest Taser demonstration
- Sean Hannity delivers lecture “I’m Alright With Me”
- Pissed-Off Origami with Mr. Jon Voight
- Chris Christie does that dance that cracks Mr. Trump up
- All the superlatives in the English language, recited
- A lady
- Mike Pence is allowed to be on stage during Kevin Sorbo film clip montage, if Mr. Trump feels like it
- Mr. Trump (topic Mr. Trump)
Night 4
“Born in the U.S.A” but with new lyrics and tune because of the very real threat by a visibly angry Mr. Springsteen who showed up in Cleveland precisely to stop this, sung by, shit, Christie, I guess
Speakers:
- Mike Ditka’s PowerPoint presentation of football studio analysts he’s probably better than
- Sen. Jeff “Breakout” Sessions, during which attendees are invited to attend breakout sessions instead of listening to “Breakout” Sessions
- Mr. Pence is allowed to solicit attendees for a ride home
- Mecha-Romney, who is so much better and classier than the real Mitt Romney, and who won’t malfunction
- Dr. Guy Psychiatrist on how to cope with not believing how great things will be because of the winning
- A retrospective of controversial things Mr. Trump said that were forgotten about once the next controversial thing was said
- Ghosts of Cecil the Lion and Harambe the Gorilla, and we’ll try to get them to fight
- Mr. Trump (continuously through night 12 of convention)