To: Department of English
Re: Faculty Fight Night

Thank you for your overwhelming interest in Faculty Fight Night. What started as a modest departmental fundraiser has become a major university charity event.

To your many questions:

  • The format will be three one-minute rounds (wearing heavy gloves and headgear) under the rules of the state boxing commission. Unlike in the Toughman Competition, no kicking will be allowed.
  • Many of you have expressed interest in fighting individuals within the English Department, but I must ask you to consider professors from other departments. Interdepartmental bouts will generate more interest in the community and student body and, consequently, more revenue for charity. (However, we will do our best to accommodate those of you who still insist on fighting another member of the department.)
  • Full-time faculty will not be allowed to fight teaching assistants. The legal department strictly forbids this since TAs have a different employment classification under state law. (Given the enthusiastic response from full-time faculty, it appears TAs will not be needed.)
  • For insurance and legal reasons, no one will be allowed to fight more than one weight class above their own.
  • As several of you suggested, I contacted the chancellor’s office, but they will not yet commit. While they won’t stand in our way, their full support will be contingent on our willingness to fight members of the Athletic Department. My understanding is that the athletic director will not fight, but the coaches would likely participate if invited or egged on. A few of you mentioned to me that you would only be willing to fight those holding PhDs, but I ask you to give serious consideration to welcoming the coaches.
  • Three of you have already asked me about nicknames. One of you wants to be known as Charles the Wrestler, and two of you have asked for The Poetic Pugilist. Please see me to sign up for your nickname so that we have no more duplication. I think it’s okay if two of you want to be The Poetic Pugilist. You can fight each other for it.
  • Yes, you may design your own robes and trunks. These should more or less conform to state boxing regulations. See me if you need a copy.
  • We have narrowed the field to two beneficiaries for the proceeds, and I need your input before deciding. Several of you in the MFA program have suggested Alcoholics Anonymous. I have also had several PhD candidates suggest an Alzheimer’s charity.

Again, thanks for your enthusiasm about this project. See you in the ring.