INT. PICTURESQUE SUBURBAN KITCHEN — DAY
Sitting at a round breakfast table, two children, GEOFFREY and ASPEN enjoy large bowls of Apple Jacks. ASPEN, 9, wears a striped pink hoodie and flips through her phone. GEOFFREY, 11, is clad in a blue shirt with a lizard on it. He reads from an iPad.
ENTER: DAD
He is a balding middle-aged man clad in a white cardigan, holding a tray with two bowls of cereal and a “complete breakfast.”
DAD (jovial): Hey, kids! I made your favorite. Wheat Bran!
GEOFFREY (looks up from his iPad): How about you FUCK OFF, Dad.
ASPEN: Yeah, Dad. I woke up this morning in a FREE COUNTRY.
DAD: Excuse me? Where did you learn that language!
GEOFFREY: We’re shaking things up around here, Dad. And That means we’re not eating any of your neoliberal GARBAGE.
ASPEN: Yeah! We’re draining the swamp! Secure borders, the RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS, and all the damned APPLE-THEMED CEREAL WE WANT.
GEOFFREY: And NO. FUCKING. WHEAT BRAN.
DAD: But… Apple Jacks don’t even taste like apple!
ASPEN: Ha! You snowflakes are all the same. “This apple-themed cereal doesn’t taste like apple! 9/11 wasn’t an inside job! Alternative facts aren’t real facts!” Well, guess what, Dad. You and your soy-boy beta-cucks can take that shit right to fucking VIACOM.
GEOFFREY: Yeah! Haven’t you heard? The cure for 1984 is 1776!
ASPEN: Yup. It really makes you think.
DAD: Think about what? What does that even mean!
GEOFFREY: It means we’re here to KICK ASS and EAT VAGUELY APPLE-INSPIRED BREAKFAST FOODS and tell you snowflakes where to shove it!
DAD: Look, let’s back up for a minute. I am a staunch defender of the constitution. But in all seriousness, 1776 breakfast was completely different from the hyper-frosted cereals of today. Nowadays, you eat one bowl of cereal and you’ve deployed 40 grams of sugar in one round — I mean — serving! To allow people access to high-glycemic cereal in this day and age is just flat-out irresponsible.
ASPEN: Blah, blah, blah! You can shove that up your ass along with your liberal arts degree, pinko!
GEOFFREY: Yeah. I didn’t realize you hated freedom!
DAD: Hate freedom! Look, the constitution is a living document! And it needs to change with the times! If you want to live in a world where diabetes-related deaths are a common occurrence, that’s your prerogative. But when you’re under my roof, you have to obey my rules.
GEOFFREY: WHAT!
ASPEN: HOW DARE YOU!
GEOFFREY: THE DEMS ARE AT IT AGAIN.
ASPEN: This is a MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE.
GEOFFREY: What’s next, Dad? You’re going to ban spoons and bowls? You’re going to let the DEEP STATE come into MY house? Rummage through MY pantry? Take MY Lucky Charms and Cap’n Crunch Oops! All Berries? Take MY FREEDOM?
ASPEN: Is that the blue pill beta-cuck dystopia you want, Dad?
DAD: No. Look, I just want you to be healthy and strong, that’s all.
ASPEN: Well, I have one word for you: BENGHAZI.
DAD (takes Geoffrey’s iPad): Fine! You want to be American? You want to be a patriot? Let’s google it! Let’s find out what the founding fathers actually ate.
GEOFFREY: Oh, this oughta be good!
DAD (squints and taps furiously): Jeez, according to the Smithsonian, these guys were drunk 24/7. That explains a lot, I guess.
ASPEN: This isn’t helping your case, Dad.
DAD: What about George Washington? He was wholesome, right? Siri, what did George Washington eat for breakfast?
SIRI (from iPad): For breakfast, Washington enjoyed a “temperate repast of hot tea and hoecakes.”
DAD: See! Is that what you want? TEA AND HOECAKES? What the heck is a hoecake!
SIRI: According to the dictionary, a “hoecake” is “a coarse cake made of cornmeal, originally baked on the blade of a hoe, or a griddle that’s been rubbed with beef suet.”
DAD: A-ha! Is that what you want? A corn cake cooked on a FARMING TOOL rubbed with BEEF SUET? What even is beef suet?
SIRI: Suet is the raw, hard fat of beef or mutton found around the loins and kidneys.
DAD: I rest my case!
GEOFFREY: You just don’t understand, Dad. We want YOUR dumb facts. We want to live under OUR version of reality. The real PATRIOT version.
ASPEN: That’s it! I’ve had it with SHEEPLE LIKE YOU, Dad. It’s time to take the power back. Your historical facts and logical thinking are no match for…
GEOFFREY: A MILITIA!
DAD: A … What??
ASPEN: Yeah! We’re forming an ARMED MILITIA.
ASPEN AND GEOFFREY (chanting): MI-LI-TIA! MI-LI-TIA! MI-LI-TIA!!
[The sounds of their chanting fades as they march off screen.]
DAD: Hey, where are you going?
[Chanting gets louder again as the kids return with squirt guns.]
DAD: Wait, are those … SUPERSOAKERS?? Full of … KOOL-AID??
ASPEN: It’s time to take the RED PILL, Dad!
GEOFFREY: Freedom isn’t free!
ASPEN: I know my Second Amendment rights, Dad! Prepare for THE STORM.
[ASPEN and GEOFFREY aim their sites at DAD.]
DAD (raises hands in the air): ALRIGHT, THAT’S ENOUGH!
[There’s a long beat as DAD stands with his hands in the air, and the Supersoakers are aimed directly at his white cardigan.]
GEOFFREY (quietly): You’re not in a great position to negotiate, old man. But I like your moxie.
ASPEN: I think me and my bro are feeling a little generous. Got any last words before we send you to Snowflake hell?
[DAD brings his hands down, sets them at his waist. Then he meditatively paces the length of the kitchen, with a sly look on his face.]
DAD: Perhaps you remember. Last week. We took a little trip to the drug store. I told you both: we’re all getting a “Special Captain America Shot.” And then you both got to pick whatever candy you wanted on the way out. You recall?
ASPEN: Yeah! That was awesome! I felt like a PATRIOT.
GEOFFRET: MILK DUDS!!
DAD (rubs hands together as he continues to pace): Yeah, well, I’ve got news for you, kiddos. That wasn’t Adamantium in that syringe. That, my dear little freedom fighters, was a little something called… a FLU SHOT.
[The room falls silent. GEOFFREY’s and ASPEN’s jaws slowly drop. Geoffrey slightly lowers his Supersoaker.]
GEOFFREY: What are you saying, Dad? We have Wolverine powers, right?
APEN: No… Dad, you wouldn’t—
DAD: Oh yeah. What you’ve got coursing through your veins is none other than 100% PURE, PATRIOTIC, AMERICAN… vaccine.
ASPEN AND GEOFFREY: NOOOOOOO!!!!
DAD: YUP. YOU’VE BEEN VAXX’D.
[ASPEN and GEOFFREY fall to their knees, drop their weapons, and clutch the air in anguish, writhing and screaming in apparent agony.]
GEOFFREY: I’m melting! MELLLTIIINNG!!!
ASPEN: I’m getting snowflake-itis! I can feel it in my veins!
[Screaming continues in the background. DAD puts on a pair of sunglasses and mic-drops a spoon.]
CUT TO: KITCHEN TABLE — INT. DAY.
A spread of a sumptuous breakfast with a bowl of Apple Jacks sitting next to the box, a bran muffin, a glass of milk, and a bowl of fruit.
VO: Apple Jacks is part of this complete breakfast.
GEOFFREY AND ASPEN (through wails and sobs): WE EAT WHAT WE LIKE!