This Fourth of July, as we gather with friends and family to celebrate AMERICA, let us look fondly back on some of the highlights of its long and eventful life.
Year 0: AMERICA is born. The conjugal union between Life and Liberty, as voyeured by Happiness (who was later seen being pursued by… someone) results in the birth of a nation. As far as most are concerned, nothing of importance happened before this, except for some guy and a cross that is supposedly totally unrelated to AMERICA.
Year 2: AMERICA learns to walk, accidentally crushes smaller nation beneath its heel, and realizes it could get used to doing this.
Year 21: AMERICA reaches legal drinking age. Proceeds to get extremely drunk and causes schism of Roman Empire, which inadvertently leads to all of Europe’s future problems. This all happens because AMERICA thinks having Christianity put the moves on Rome would be fun. Hilarity does not ensue.
Year 400: AMERICA, still shitfaced, continues to laugh as Europe falls to pieces and develops a leadership system based on enslaving the common people while those in power live on the labor of the subjugated. While science and knowledge cease to be important in Europe, both fields expand in Muslim nations, and AMERICA immediately begins to eye Islam with suspicion.
Year 985: AMERICA hangs out with some Vikings that sailed over from Europe. Learns the fun of conquest and ignores learning about any kind of post-war stewardship. At this point, AMERICA considers itself a grown man, free to do whatever it likes. It starts by immediately hating everything that is different from it.
Year 1492: AMERICA, while hanging out with its bro the Caribbean Sea, meets some guys from Europe. Upon seeing how they react with people who don’t look like they do, AMERICA gets a crazy idea.
Year 1620: AMERICA and Europe officially begin a friendship, ignoring all the murder, death, and terror the fall of the Roman Empire caused in Europe. Europe starts staying over at AMERICA’s place regularly. They spend most of their time drinking and abusing substances while criticizing other nations for doing the same. The next century or so is basically spent in a drug-induced blur until…
Year 1776: AMERICA gets pissed at Europe when Europe begins to sober up and realize that maybe if we are all on this planet together, we shouldn’t hate each other so much. What starts as a small verbal disagreement quickly escalates when AMERICA misunderstands the situation and throws a bunch of tea at Europe’s face. The following twenty or so years are spent with AMERICA and Europe slap fighting each other until Europe finally gets pissed and walks away. AMERICA thinks it won and immediately gets overconfident about their combat prowess. This never goes away.
Year 1812: After some difficult years and lots of boring law stuff, AMERICA is finally semi-stable and has cleaned its house up from when Europe trashed it during the big fight over tea. The doorbell rings and AMERICA answers the door and sees Europe there. Europe opens its mouth as if to explain something, but before it can get a word out, AMERICA punches it in the face. Europe again gets pissed and just leaves, but not before trying to burn down AMERICA’s house. It doesn’t stick.
Year 1921: AMERICA, excited after solving a big fight in the neighborhood and surviving Spanish Flu, throws a huge rager of a party that the entire world comes to. Germany is being really quiet and angsty but no one seems to care. AMERICA makes sure everyone is boozing and dancing so much that no one bothers to ask where any of the food or entertainment is coming from.
Year 1929: AMERICA realizes it’s broke from the huge party and gets really depressed. The rest of the world gets depressed too, mostly because they feel silly for following AMERICA in its party and ignore everything else scheme. Germany is still really angsty and starts blaming other people for its problems. No one seems to care.
Year 1941: Japan gets a crazy idea to kidney punch AMERICA. AMERICA reacts by deciding that Japan, Germany, and Italy need to get their asses kicked. Really AMERICA has wanted to this for a while but just wanted a good reason.
Year 1945: AMERICA, reconciled with Europe finally, sees itself as the best thing on the block. Russia gets jealous of all of AMERICA’s toys and starts to develop their own. AMERICA gets suspicious of Russia and starts making better toys. The two continue to act like petulant children for the next 40 years, never outright fighting but occasionally poking the other one and saying, “C’mon, what are you, scared?”
Year 2000: AMERICA, excited to still be really cool in the neighborhood starts to get antsy cause no one has given them a reason for AMERICA to beat someone up in a while.
Year 2001: AMERICA gets kicked in the balls by some pseudo-Muslim jerks, overreacts and decides anything that isn’t AMERICA or on AMERICA’s side is bad by nature. The next decade is spent with AMERICA madly flailing its arms about, attacking and mouthing off to anyone who even mildly suggests maybe AMERICA should calm down a little bit.
Year 2014: AMERICA is really depressed. It doesn’t understand why most of the neighborhood is ignoring it. His house is a mess and its checking account is way overdrawn. All it can manage to do is lay on the couch watching bad TV and eating pizza while drinking cheap beer. Europe comes over a couple of times to ask if AMERICA wants to talk but AMERICA just yells until Europe leaves.
Year 2016: AMERICA gets a new belief system and decides that even though the house is trashed, it is broke, and covered in grease and beer; that it is still the best. AMERICA decides anything not AMERICA or for AMERICA is bad, unless it brings them money, then it’s OK. Some inner monologue of AMERICA says this is wrong, but AMERICA’s continued downward spiral into insanity silences these voices as being “snowflakes” and “libtards.”
Year 2019: Despite the house literally crumbling around it, some parts of the house eroded from flood damage, and the rest of the neighborhood regarding it as a joke, AMERICA keeps screaming loudly about how awesome it is, and that it’s the best place in the neighborhood. From a stage on AMERICA’s front lawn, built high to be over the swamp and sewage that now litter its property, AMERICA demands everyone come over and celebrate how awesome it is.
The rest of the world ignores the invitation and shakes their heads in disbelief at how badly AMERICA has let itself go.