“The Pentagon announced that Fort Moore, formerly named Fort Benning for a Confederate general, will again be named Fort Benning, although it will now honor a different Benning.” – CBS News
It is with immense pleasure that I, King Éomer of Rohan, announce that Helm’s Deep and its fortress shall today revert to the original name of Sauron’s Deep.
No, my loyal servants, not that Sauron.
Rest assured that our beloved stronghold is not named after the evil dark lord hell-bent on destroying Middle-earth, but after a beloved Elven soldier named Elduin Sauron from the Battle of Mirkwood, or something.
This brave warrior, whose name we definitely didn’t spend hours looking for in various scrolls until we found one that matched, sacrificed his life and fought honorably against the forces of Dol Guldur. With this official renaming, we will now be able to celebrate the illustrious military career of the mighty Sauron (again, not that one) in all his glory.
I am well aware of the backlash this memorandum has incurred. Let me be clear once more that the purpose of this is not to offend but to keep alive the memory of the great and powerful Sauron. Elduin Sauron, that is.
Of course, I could’ve chosen the name of a war hero that wasn’t exactly the same as a murderous necromancer. However, that would have stripped Elvin, or whatever I said before, of the chance to have his legacy immortalized in Elven lore. As virtuous citizens of Rohan, I hope you will concur with the preservation of this great man’s story.
Earlier this month, I also changed the name of our fortress, the Hornburg, to the Fortress of Witch-king of Angmar.
Now, before you jump to any conclusions, allow me to explain. Despite its association with the deadly leader of the Nazgûl, many of you may be unaware that the “Witch-king of Angmar” was once the nickname given to Pippin Took by his dear mother. For this reason, I have decided to dedicate this fortress to Pippin—known as the Witch-king to his friends and relatives—for his efforts in the Battle of the Black Gate.
As one of its leaders, I believe it is my duty to commemorate the great people of Middle-earth, no matter how similar their names are to the dark powers that attempted to enslave thousands of innocent men and women. So I vow to you, the people of Rohan, that I shall do my utmost to continue this great tradition for many glorious years to come.
Or, you know, as long as I can find names that match.