ALEXANDRA: Fucking Al Franken.
MICHAEL: Again?
ALEXANDRA: Again. An ass grab. While he was in office.
MICHAEL: Well, so much for the “Maybe he shouldn’t resign” argument.
ALEXANDRA: Unless you’re Morrissey. Then he’d just call it “telling a groupie you like them.” Then again, that seems to be on-brand with the Democratic Party right now. Where’ve you been? Tell me something good. Without using a gif.
MICHAEL: I was at Trader Joe’s. I picked up some advent calendars while I was there looking for chestnuts. I know it’s a waste of packaging and calories. And I’d bet money the cacao is not a high percentage. Nor is it fair trade. But I need something to look forward to in the mornings rather than just the inevitable flood of overnight news alerts and heartbreak.
ALEXANDRA: You know what the on-trend holiday must have for 2017 should be? The Lowest Bar Advent Calendar. With each square of chocolate comes a sexual violation committed by someone we used to respect.
MICHAEL: I don’t know if I can take another 24 of these. Could we limit it to one of those 12 days of Christmas gift packs instead?
ALEXANDRA: I wish. But I really think it’s only going to get worse.
MICHAEL: Did you read that article in the Atlantic?
ALEXANDRA: I couldn’t do it. I usually force myself to read everything Shaun King posts. I figure it’s my penance for being a white woman. And based on the last election results, it’s still the white women fucking everything up. But I just… what was the subtitle again? Basically it called feminists out for being on the wrong side of history, wasn’t it? I just… after that Donna Brazille debacle I couldn’t face more Hillary bashing. I swear, it’s only a matter of time before someone blames Hills for the failure of Betamax.
MICHAEL: Who’s next? I can’t take it. I mean… what if it’s Jeff Goldblum? Neil DeGrasse Tyson? Or Steven Hawking? Lin-Manuel Miranda? Joe Biden? OH MY GOD WHAT IF IT’S JON STEWART?!?
ALEXANDRA: I don’t know what to tell you, Michael. Even The Gray Lady’s prized journalists aren’t immune. And Charlie Rose? I’m increasingly convinced all men are guilty of doing it.
MICHAEL: TELL ME IT WILL NEVER BE JON STEWART, ALEX. TELL ME!!!
ALEXANDRA: I can’t do that. I don’t know who’ll be behind door #23.
MICHAEL: I need you to lie to me.
ALEXANDRA: I think Blake Shelton is the sexiest man alive.
MICHAEL: You do?
ALEXANDRA: No, not really. You asked for a lie. But I’m honestly not that upset about the choice, either.
MICHAEL: Because you don’t read People magazine? Despite being a middle-aged white woman — amusingly the target demographic for both human interest stories and the GOP.
ALEXANDRA: First, don’t think I didn’t catch that ageist dig, MICHAEL. Second, I’m not that upset because maybe the old white dudes needed a win. And of all the possible wins they could have, I’m willing to toss them this bone.
MICHAEL: Even when the dude is a homophobic racist?
ALEXANDRA: You aren’t going to make a sexually inappropriate bone joke?
MICHAEL: Am I still allowed to?
ALEXANDRA: If “Mary was a teen” is a valid defense for pedophilia, I guess anything is game. You know, I find the whole outrage over Blake not being sexy enough a little hypocritical in the world we’re currently living in. Every day there’s a new victim, a new example of how women are judged by their bodies and considered things, possessions, toys. Meanwhile women on every social media platform are posting half-naked pictures of often homophobic and racist men with rippling, well-oiled… everythings. It just doesn’t seem kosher. Wait… can I say that? As a gentile, I mean?
MICHAEL: I should probably warn you, your aunt called and asked if I could still sit at the table if she decorated it Ivanka style with a giant clam shell. She seemed to think if the Kushners were embracing shellfish decorations, they must be kosher.
ALEXANDRA: Fuck December. I need chocolate to mentally prepare for giving thanks amongst Trump voters. Hand me one of those calendars. Besides, if 45 keeps mocking short, fat dictators, we aren’t going to make it another month. Let’s carpe this diem and see what’s behind flap #22.
MICHAEL: Clearly at 99 cents a calendar they can’t afford high quality molds. Is it supposed to be a present?
ALEXANDRA: It’s a package. A dick in a box. It will be even tastier if we pretend it’s the symbolic castration of the patriarchy. And while we’re talking about nuts, did you find any?
MICHAEL: Chestnuts? I did. I’ve always wanted to try roasting them. I know it’s not very Jewish, but I am really looking forward to Christmas this year. Maybe surviving a full year of emotional onslaught has me wanting to return to pleasant childhood memories, to recreate a glitter-encrusted, sugar-laden, gluten and lactose tolerant wonderland of joy and good tidings, dammit. I even bought a cinnamon broom. WHAT THE HELL DOES ONE DO WITH A CINNAMON BROOM?
ALEXANDRA: Between Rosa and our robot vacuum, I hardly remember how to use any broom. Sometimes I wish I’d paid attention to the occasional lesson in Home Ec rather than railing about the injustices of not being allowed to take Shop. But I’m not done with your nutsack, how do you intend to roast these chestnuts in your idyllic holiday delusion? We don’t have a working fireplace.
MICHAEL: Ah… but Black Friday sales are already happening. You, my erudite elf, just bought me a Big Green Egg for Chanukah.
ALEXANDRA: Is that one of those Kamado ceramic grills? And did you use Prime so it will arrive in time for tomorrow? I’d love to bring a more palatable option than Uncle Lester’s Famously Fried Turducken. Hey! Maybe he could oil your nuts for you!
MICHAEL: I’ll wait for the grill.
ALEXANDRA: Are you ok, Michael? I get that you passed on a bone joke, but how many nut joke setups can I leave for you before you jump on one?
MICHAEL: I don’t want to be behind flap #23 on your Disappointing Men calendar. I honestly don’t know what I am and am not allowed to say anymore.
ALEXANDRA: Say we can blow off Thanksgiving with distant family entirely and stay home re-watching Will & Grace reruns. We can get a jump on creating your indoor holiday vision. And we won’t have to pretend we’re too tired to go outlet shopping on Black Friday.
MICHAEL: Sold. Besides I already finished all my holiday shopping. Cards Against Humanity for everyone.