The past fourteen days, like all epochs reduced to memes and cable news chyrons, have revealed the cyclical farce of power—a pantomime of bullies, billionaires, and eggs priced like bullion. We chronicle here the struggles of the recently unemployed, the begrudging representatives of the people, along with their staff who really just want to drop the R and F word without repercussions… but now that woke is dead, they still won’t say it.
In the children’s theater of democracy, world leaders—continually summoned to the asphalt hinterlands of a metaphorical middle school called the White House—find themselves cornered in the empty government halls by the administration. Recently, in a taxpayer-funded episode of Mean Girls, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was reprimanded by hall monitor JD Vance, who demanded fealty to join the country’s kickball team, further proving he was most definitely not invited to the cool kids’ parties.
The Tariff War has begun with a collective groan. The world’s response? Booing the National Anthem. (Kneeling, the true act of defiance, remained conspicuously absent from their repertoire.) The president claims these tariffs will make the country “strong,” even as NASDAQ continues its daily plunge. Such persistent diving could suggest a new strategy to prove the economy’s vigor: Trump will ring the NASDAQ bell every Sunday going forward.
But who will be the first victim in this tit-for-tat economic turf war? The auto industry? The energy sector? The Costco hotdog? One thing is true: Inflation will always come for the last bastion of dignity. If the hotdog falls, God help the rotisserie chicken.
In a surprise to no one, the Department of Government Efficiency, composed of a spirited team of computational wizards too young to rent cars, entrusted with the people’s purse, have been found to be bad at “math,” their proclaimed savings evaporated from $16 billion to $9 billion. Sources inside their discord chat suggest these same efficiency experts now seek to outsource their “Wall of Receipts” to CVS, a perfect metaphor for the privatization of public responsibility.
New Republican party guidelines have instructed representatives to avoid town halls, effectively ignoring their constituents in the wake of contentious public hearings and outrage over widespread firings. This hide-and-ignore strategy mirrors Elon Musk’s operational playbook—he continues to ignore his children’s mothers on the world’s largest digital town hall while presumably claiming all fourteen of his children for the child tax credits, which ironically will now be delayed.
In a move that would have made Bernie Madoff blush, President Trump announced a crypto strategic reserve. This calculated maneuver, flooding the market with more fiat currency, works hand-in-hand with his decree on paid visas. The people’s representatives, once again serving as architects of exploitation, are working hard at “Making America Great Again for Creative Accounting.”
If all this history holds any meaning, it lies in our collective realization: The rabble-rousing will persist, the internet hand fisting will fist more, but perhaps a larger measles outbreak will finally compel America’s financial elites to admit, “Maybe we should have just paid our taxes.”