If I Moved Back to My Hometown, As Envisioned by My Parents

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The house of my dreams gets put on the market. I make an offer, but because the realtor is so thrilled about my decision to move back, she gives me the house for free.

I figure out how to get my mom’s 17-year-old printer to work.

I get a boyfriend with a real job. He thinks we should spend all holidays with my side of the family.

The New York Times calls to tell me they’re building a satellite office in the middle of Ohio. Despite my profound lack of qualifications, experience in journalism, and even interest in journalism, they want me to run it. My dad always knew this would happen.

I wake up one morning to discover that my tattoos have mysteriously disappeared from my body. I am filled with relief because I now realize I’ve hated tattoos all along.

I get married in a church.

Every member of my family is replaced by the cast of Parenthood. We have no lives outside of the moments we share with each other, which are all moments.

I feel comfortable talking to my mom — who looks and talks exactly like Lauren Graham — about my sex life now.

Because I moved out of the city, I am no longer in grave danger every minute of every day. In fact, I will never be in danger again. Criminals resent me. God fears me. I am immortal.

After experiencing the simplest, shortest pregnancy ever recorded, I birth three perfect children. I explain to them that I don’t want my career to suffer at their tiny little hands. They totally get it. They raise themselves. No one is bitter about this.

I have more free time than I’ve ever had in my life. I use this time to write a personal essay titled, “Bye-bye to That Stuff: I’m So Glad I Left New York!” For decades afterward, this inspires young creatives to leave New York, return to their loving parents, and write personal essays about it.

Pepper, the late family dog, comes back to life simply due to the power of my presence. So does Grandma.

My children eventually grow up and move away from home at the age of 15, partially because they’re so independent but mostly because they grew up close to their grandparents. Finally, we see how I would like it if my children moved away from home.