So, what do you think? Never in your wildest dreams, right? It’s hard to know where to begin, because the house is almost unrecognizable, but let me show you around. You won’t believe what I’ve done to the place.

I really wanted the living room to come alive, so I reimagined this couch as a precariously balanced cushion fort. Not only does it add visual height to the room, but it’s great for jumping on. The deconstructed sofa draws elements of the city into the home and elevates your “boho-chic” style into more of a “contempo-roadside-shanty.” And since great design is all about the little things, I’ve also gone ahead and peppered the rug with gravel.

Now, I know you love your TV, but it can be a distraction when there’s a single smudgy handprint right in the middle of the picture, so I balanced things out by smearing the rest of the screen with oatmeal.

And I’m obsessed with these hardwood floors, but they can be slippery when I’m not wearing my socks with the grippy bottoms, so I slathered them with an adhesive coating of organic apple juice and upcycled pee. You can already smell it working.

Speaking of conservation, I’m doing my part to save water by only bathing once a week, but I’ve noticed that you two are taking exceedingly long, hot showers at the end of each day. So I’ve gone ahead and filled the tub with tiny plastic boats and Dollar Store Halloween toys, so there’s absolutely nowhere comfortable to stand. The water we’ll save on showers will completely offset my compulsive toilet flushing.

Oh, and big mistake just leaving your keys out in plain sight on the entryway table. It’s a wonder we ever slept at night knowing a burglar could have so easily retrieved them through the mail slot with that claw grabber toy I keep in the front yard. If a home invader wanted to get their hands on your keys now, well, let’s just say they’d need a basin wrench and a drain snake.

And while we’re talking sleep, I noticed that you both have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Since you almost never remember to open your blinds, I creased each plastic slat so that every morning, no matter how they’re adjusted, your windows will scatter wild patterns of natural light onto your faces so you wake up when I do: at daybreak.

Now, in my room, I’ve always wanted to increase the flow, which is why I removed the door stop and completely broke the lock. Then, I really opened up the space by putting this big hole in the drywall. It’s smaller than I would have liked, but you can still feel a nice draft when you’re running around the room naked.

It got me thinking about how we learn through play and how any great playroom is a sandbox for the imagination. So, naturally, I filled our playroom with thirty-seven cubic feet of sand. It’s almost hard to imagine I transported it all in here with just my hair.

And you know how I like to mix all my toy bins together so nothing is easy to find? Well, I applied the same concept to the kitchen. After all, what are cooking utensils if not toys for grown-ups? Who knows what fun recipes you might come up with when you open a cabinet to find some maraschino cherries wedged inside the waffle iron with a can of garbanzo beans?

And as you can see, functionally, the placemats actually make a lot more sense wildly strewn across the floor. After all, that’s where most of the food ends up anyway. Plus, this makes it easier to appreciate your brand-new kitchen table, which, by the way, I just finished renovating into a distressed slab of reclaimed wood. Doesn’t it just scream “lived-in”? Probably because I was screaming so maniacally while bludgeoning it with my spoon.

Oh, and I almost forgot my favorite part! Everybody is so crazy about vintage midcentury modern furniture right now, but nobody has vintage mid-century modern paint.

What have I done? I love that you asked.

You see, I picked at the walls with my fingernails and peeled away layer after layer of paint until I uncovered the original base coat from the actual midcentury. Now, most people would never dream of doing something like this, so it might be a lot to take in at first. Though, what revolutionary new idea isn’t? But you’ll find that once you’re exposed to this stunning layer of pickle-green lead, you’ll be physically incapable of remembering why you were so concerned in the first place. It’s definitely worth the random nosebleeds.

And speaking of blood, you’ve probably noticed the open wound on my head. You see, the creative process can be so full of happy accidents. Now, I know your immediate impulse is to patch this up right away, but let me ask you one last thing: How do you feel about exposed skull?