Imagine if Hillary fired her cabinet officials via Twitter and then replaced them with members of a Fleetwood Mac tribute band and they played all their hits at government functions especially “Rhiannon” and “Green Manalishi.”
Imagine if Hillary was being investigated for colluding with a foreign power and that foreign power was Themyscira, a lush island nation governed by Aphrodite’s Law, which stipulates that no man shall ever set foot on its soil.
Imagine if one of Hillary’s lawyers discussed pardons for two ex-aides because of fears of what they might tell the special prosecutor and then another of Hillary’s lawyers had his home and office and hotel room raided by the FBI and then all the dubious men Hillary had hired and fired like Mike Flynn and Steve Bannon and Seb Gorka spotted a closet that was really a portal to another dimension and they passed through it and spent the rest of their days yelling “Lock her up!” at the White Witch who just laughed at them witheringly.
Imagine if Hillary had five children with three different fathers and constantly bitched about Kate McKinnon’s impression of her and an old king told her that it’s her duty to pursue her personal legend and explained how "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” and she punched that king in the face.
Imagine if Hillary told 2000 lies in one year and bragged about lying to the Canadian Prime Minister and a Qallupilluit emerged from the cracks between the ice reeking of sulfur and shrugged her shoulders because nothing really surprised her anymore.
Imagine if Hillary called lawmakers treasonous for not clapping during her State of the Union address and a tollbooth appeared on the candy desk of the House of Representatives chamber and every member of Congress who had ever denied climate change or took NRA money or claimed family values while behaving like shit to women disappeared in a glittering cloud of pixie dust and were replaced by Princesses Rhyme and Reason.
Imagine if Hillary said she’d be honored to meet Kim Jong Un and it turned out that the song “Gold Dust Woman” made him feel emotionally vulnerable and he found his center and reclaimed his power and instead of nuking Los Angeles he ended the eternal winter in Arendelle.
Imagine if Hillary’s Secretary of Education appeared on 60 Minutes and sounded like an idiot and a porn star Hillary had an affair with appeared on 60 Minutes and described spanking her with a Forbes magazine and Chelsea appeared on 60 Minutes and then tried to sell “the president’s daughter’s favorite bracelet” for $10,800 and Lesley Stahl revealed herself to be the wizard behind the curtain and gave everyone a trinket gift.
Imagine if a Hillary associate was a Blackwater founder who had a shady meeting in the Seychelles with a United Arab Emirates spy and a Russian wealth fund manager and an Aldabra tortoise rose from the Indian Ocean and began whispering the poem “Power” by Audra Lorde in their ears sung to the tune of “Landslide” at that exact moment Alex Jones and Roger Stone and Mike Pence turned into pillars of salt.
Imagine if Hillary were accused of assaulting 17 women and a talking rabbit with a pocket watch ran past and said, “Time’s up motherfuckers.”
Imagine if Hillary sent her goon security guard to raid her doctor’s office after the doctor revealed she takes a vanity hair-loss drug and packed her administration with Goldman Sachs executives and charged the Secret Service $60,000 to rent golf carts and fired her FBI director for investigating her and refused to release her tax returns and had ties to the mob and wrote unconstitutional executive orders and obsessively inflated her inauguration size while the Japanese Prime Minister rolled his eyes at her and the Australian Prime Minister mocked her at a Mid-Winter Canberra Ball and she railed against the media as the enemy of the American people and said Mika Brzezinski was bleeding badly from a face-lift and three of her campaign officials got indicted and she started a trade war with allies and she planned a costly military parade and horses were unicorns that could fly.
Imagine Hillary had sex with a porn star when Chelsea was a baby and paid him hush money during her campaign and then the porn star sued Hillary and then Sean Hannity’s head finally exploded.
Imagine Hillary dodged the draft but also threw herself a costly military parade and the Fleetwood Mac tribute band played “Tusk” and this inspired all the gun owners in the land to trade in their firearms for wind instruments and the wolf dwelled with the lamb and no one resented women who sought higher offices of power.