With the recent uptick in collusion accusations against the President’s son Donald Trump Jr, the National Political Weather Service is issuing a rare warning about possible record-high levels of Liberal Smugness.
We’ve been monitoring the building system of Russian collusion for the last few months, and while many have been calling this just a lot of hot air, our models are suggesting a possible upgrade of this political storm to Class 1 or Class 2 treason.
This would, of course, bring with it a historic threat to the stability of our nation – but more importantly, it could mean truly unheard-of levels of Liberal Smugness.
Since last November, the nation has had historically low levels of Liberal Smugness. A stunning loss by the Left’s best/worst choice — followed by unseasonal downward pressure on access to health insurance, concern for climate, and general civility, has given us a rare coastal-elite to coastal-elite liberal dissatisfaction system.
In fact, we haven’t seen a drought of progressive joy this serious since John Kerry’s presidential campaign.
Should evidence of President Trump’s treasonous activities continue to build, anyone with a right-of-center viewpoint is strongly encouraged to stay indoors and avoid coffee shops, independent booksellers, college campuses, and generally most urban areas.
Snowflake accumulation is expected to be substantial.
Social Media users should expect to find their feeds nearly impassible, and heavily clogged with all-caps gloating and a gratuitous use of “laughing-until-crying” emojis and obnoxious celebratory gifs.
Those with personal time off or vacation days should begin stockpiling them now in anticipation of multi-day televised hearings. We strongly encourage you to check in on your elderly or right-leaning family members now, while you still have other things to talk about.
We advise you to remain alert, and please monitor your own involvement in spontaneous-celebratory-drinks-with-lunch, random-sidewalk-giggling-fits, and quick-trips-to-Fox-News-just-to-see-how-those-obnoxious-asshats-are-NOT-covering-this.
May God Help Us All.