Señorita Pulliam,

Hola. Cómo está usted? Estoy bien. Except for the fact that I’m failing your class.

You said I needed to demonstrate that I’ve learned something from your class in order to pass. I plan to do that in this e-mail, but first a few apologies.

I know that I’ve been no aquí to your class more often than you’d like. Let my perfect attendance these last two weeks serve as my apology.

I’m also sorry for calling all Spanish people “Mexicans.” There are many types of Spanish people that aren’t Mexicans. Brazil, for instance, is a very large nation of non-Mexican Hispanics. Brazil is not, as I have said once or twice, “the boob of South America.” Even if it does resemble a breast. Lastly, not all Mexicans are illegals. Except maybe Alberto Gonzales—but for a different reason.

I understand that adding an o to the end of an English word doesn’t necessarily make the corresponding Spanish word. I only did it for laughos from the chicas. :)

I realize that my overuse of the words “cerveza,” “piña colada,” and “sexo” is, as you said, “remarkably childish.” In my defense, they are real Spanish words, and describing my life without those words would be dishonest.

I hope this extra credit will demonstrate to you that I’ve learned a lot of español. I remember that you mentioned that your favorite author is Gabriel García Márquez, and that the one about cholera is your most favorite. So I’ve translated the first part from Spanish without looking at the American one.

He remembered that love was like foul-smelling nuts. The juvenile Dr. Urbino noticed the nut smell when he entered a dark house not urgently like he used to. Jeremiah of Saint Love, a warrior refugee from an anthill, a child in a photograph, a sad winner of many games, had exited scary memories of gold that smelled like poison.

He found the corpse with a blanket on it on a bed where the corpse was sleeping, and next to it was a chair with poison. A big black dog with crutches was dead and tied to the bed.

Now I understand why you like it so much! I’ll definitely have to finish it when I have a chance. Did the dog kill the guy? No, don’t tell me. Did the dog use poison? Or maybe the dog fed the owner some really old nuts that he knew would kill him, but then, in the struggle, the dog accidentally ate one of the nuts. Sounds like a thriller!

Adiós,
Tu estudiante y amigo Chris