Ladies and gentlemen, this is your driver speaking. We will be pausing in this tunnel for a moment or two. There’s a train in the station up ahead, so we’re just waiting for them to move on. Shouldn’t be a minute. There is certainly no need to panic.
I’m sorry. It’s me again. There was some static there and I just wanted to make sure everyone understood. I said: There is no need to panic. No cause for alarm.
Hello! Sorry! Me again! I just want to make sure that—I mean, that might have sounded like “Please press the alarm.” I did not say that. I meant that there’s nothing to be concerned about. Thank you.
Hi. It’s your driver again. I should clarify: When I said, “There’s nothing to be concerned about,” I was referring only to this situation. I’m not trying to minimize anyone’s own—you know, I know about the environmental stuff and there’s a war going on and, well, I’m sure a number of people here have personal problems.
My God! What’s wrong with me? I’m insulting my passengers here. I want to apologize for making it sound like I’m carrying a bunch of freaks or something!
Wow! That was worse! That was worse. I’m so sorry. I was trying to inject a moment of levity into this announcement. I can’t believe I said that. I have nothing against people who are differently … who look … or indeed are … who are made … or shaped in a way that … (Feedback.) Can you just give me a minute here, please?
Hello. This is your driver again. I have something to say: I have personal problems. Last night I ate an entire catering jar of applesauce while watching my Supernanny DVDs. I don’t have kids, people. I just do it because it feels good.
OK, here goes. I’m lonely. My God, that’s a relief, to be able to say it. I’m lonely! It’s not a crime. But, well, the rubbing against people’s dogs in the park might be. I don’t know. I’m not a legal expert. But saying this isn’t.
You know what? I feel free. It’s funny, I’m just sitting here in a metal box, talking into this intercom, and suddenly I feel like I can say anything. Did you know I’m wearing stolen underwear? Did you know I kissed my neighbor’s cat on the mouth this morning? Did you know I have to sing the chorus of “Muskrat Love” three times before I can pee?
No, you didn’t. Because I didn’t have the guts to tell you.
But maybe that’s the lesson here. We let this stuff divide us. Who cares about underwear or applesauce? Who cares that I never got my train operator’s license? Who cares that I lied to get this job and I’m not even 70 percent sure that this is the brake lever? Who cares that I have no idea why that red button is flashing? Let’s just be ourselves! We’re sharing this epiphany and no one can stop us!
Ladies and gentlemen. I got that very wrong. Apparently, we weren’t sharing an epiphany and no one wants me to be myself. Several members of the station crew have just appeared. I should just have enough time to say: You’ll be moving on in just a moment, after I have been forcibly removed from the cabin. Thanks.