PRESENT:

  • My Mother, Chairman
  • My Boss, Vice Chairman
  • My Ex-Girlfriend, Secretary
  • A Carpenter Ant, Treasurer
  • That Thunking Noise That Occurs In the Middle of the Night
  • Ignorance of World News
  • A Flash Flood
  • The Idea That Hell Might Actually Be Real and I’m Going There

CALL TO ORDER:

Chairman My Mother opened the meeting at 2:40 A.M. and introduced the board members.

SECRETARY’S MINUTES:

Minutes of previous meeting were read and approved. My Ex-Girlfriend then stated that she thought my penis was very small and her new boyfriend, Brad, had a much larger penis.

CHAIRMAN’S REPORT:

Chairman My Mother spoke of my inability to land a decent job, my lack of ambition, and how I refuse to stand up straight. She then spoke for twenty minutes about my cousin, Andrew, who is up for a big promotion at the bank and has a daughter on the way. “Why can’t my son be more like Andrew?” Chairman My Mother asked, and everyone agreed that this was a good point.

VICE CHAIRMAN’S REPORT:

Vice Chairman My Boss stated that he knew I was taking a little extra time on my breaks, and he was going to fire me the next day in front of the whole staff. He said that it was likely I would react by going red in the face and then running into the bathroom to cry like an ugly little girl. He added that nobody would come into the washroom to console me because everyone in the office was glad to see me go, since it would now be easier to have secret discussions about how much they all hate me.

TREASURER’S REPORT:

A Carpenter Ant made a presentation concerning his colony’s plans to chew through every load-bearing piece of wood in my house until the roof suddenly collapsed on me while I was sleeping. He added that while the ant traps I’d set up earlier in the week would have no effect on him or his colony, the poison in the traps would in fact harm me. They planned on taking turns rubbing the poison on their feet and then walking on my toothbrush. Everyone cheered.

THAT THUNKING NOISE THAT OCCURS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT’S REPORT:

That Thunking Noise That Occurs In the Middle of the Night made a loud thunking noise. Everyone agreed that the source of the noise had to be that bald man with the messed up eye who stands in front of the post office all day, and that he was now climbing in through my bathroom window.

IGNORANCE OF WORLD NEWS’ REPORT:

Ignorance of World News announced that there would be an office party the following weekend, and that—should I still have my job—I would reluctantly attend. Ignorance of World News then stated that Crimea would be brought up several times at the party, and that I would struggle to remember if Crimea was the Russian thing or some kind of sauce. He added that the cute girl from Sales would notice my confusion, laugh to herself, and then hold hands with the guy who bullied me in the sixth grade.

A FLASH FLOOD’S REPORT:

A Flash Flood announced its plans to fill my house with water, drowning me and only me, because I’d watched a few minutes of a documentary about flash floods before bed and that’s how flash floods decide where to attack next.

THE IDEA THAT HELL MIGHT ACTUALLY BE REAL AND I’M GOING THERE’S REPORT:

The Idea That Hell Might Actually Be Real and I’m Going There stated that Hell was real and I would go there one day. Vice Chairman My Boss raised the point that Hell would just be so terrible, and A Flash Flood added that it would last forever. The Idea That Hell Might Actually Be Real and I’m Going There agreed with both comments, and stressed that I was definitely going to actual Hell.

OLD BUSINESS:

Chairman My Mother stated that my place was a mess, and noted how very sad this was.

My Ex-Girlfriend displayed a photograph of my tiny penis and then everyone pointed at the photograph and laughed.

NEW BUSINESS:

A Carpenter Ant stated that once the meeting was adjourned, he was going to rub his feet in ant poison and then climb into my mouth.

That Thunking Noise That Occurs In the Middle of the Night made a loud thunking noise.

MOTION TO ADJOURN:

Chairman My Mother made the motion to adjourn the meeting, with the stipulation that the secretary read aloud the minutes in a continuous loop, whispering them into my ear until an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off. The motion was seconded by all and approved unanimously.