ALEXANDRA: There are no less than three venues within a 10-mile radius from here that offer indoor hatchet-throwing classes. And here’s a Groupon for one!
MICHAEL: Do you think hatchet-throwing classes are tax deductible for Jason Momoa?
ALEXANDRA: You’re already thinking about taxes? Have you received ANY of your 1099s yet, Captain Gig Economy? And what’s the point if the IRS isn’t open?
MICHAEL: First, I’m sure they have just enough staff on hand to collect tax payments. Second, you know that old advice to think about baseball when you get too aroused? Well, as soon as I hear the word “taxes” I think about that minx Nancy Pelosi and her new “individual appropriations bills” with which she plans to strongarm the GOP into reopening the IRS and Treasury department. “Go ahead and tell the American people you won’t give them their tax refunds, Mitchie Mitch McCan’tKeepThisUp McConnell,” I imagine her cooing while fondling that hard, shiny gavel. And then I have to think about Schedule Cs to try and get my heart rate back to a level that doesn’t skew my Fitbit data.
ALEXANDRA: Is that a thing? I’m going to have to take mine off while I finish Surviving R. Kelly tonight, then. I wasn’t going to watch it but then Black Twitter told me that speaking out about Dr. Ford and NOT speaking out about R. Kelly was evidence that I wasn’t listening to the stories of WOC and the last thing I want to be is complicit. So I’m watching and bearing witness when all I want to do is KonMari the closet then watch Bird Box so I can understand what the hell the rest of Twitter is talking about. The only thing getting me through that docuseries is reading a few chapters of Becoming after each episode. Though I can’t say I cry any less while reading than watching. How far we’ve fallen and how fast…
MICHAEL: 2020, my love. Eyes on the prize. Look at that freshman class of Congresspeople. Speaking of which, I’ve decided my resolution for 2019 is to “Dance like the GOP is watching.”
ALEXANDRA: I haven’t managed to choose my “one word” for 2019 yet. I’m tempted to rollover 2018’s “Resist,” but I’m leaning towards something new with more specificity. That would improve my chances of not feeling like a failure this time next year, right? How serious are we about trying Peganism?
MICHAEL: That’s the paleo vegan thing, right? I don’t know what to think anymore! Did you read that report out of Sweden about how eating organic might be WORSE for the planet? So much for sustainable. And lab-grown tuna? That doesn’t seem very paleo. Or palatable. Even less so than an R. Kelly comeback tour.
ALEXANDRA: If he’s on the Louis C.K. track, he’ll be organizing one in less than six months. You really can’t separate the art from the artist, can you? Not that I was a huge R. Kelly fan before this, but I’ve certainly loved the art of questionable artists. I confess to seeing Midnight in Paris not once, but twice. I had a Gauguin poster in my bedroom as a tween. Oh SHIT! I AM complicit! Black Twitter is right about me. I am…
MICHAEL: Did you see that French author saying women over 50 are too old to love?
ALEXANDRA: Wait, what? How old is he? Have I ever heard of him? And he’s white, isn’t he?
MICHAEL: 50. Unlikely. And yes.
ALEXANDRA: Then don’t tell me his name so I can keep never having heard of him. If there’s no such thing as bad publicity, then let all these fuckers return to anonymity. But, you know, after they register as sexual predators and that information is made publicly available. AND OF COURSE, HE’S WHITE!
MICHAEL: I’m not really sure what that…
ALEXANDRA: I AM NOT EITHER BUT I’M STARTING TO REALIZE JUST HOW INTERNALIZED MY RACISM IS AND THAT MUST BE WHY I DIDN’T SEE AALIYAH AS A VICTIM ALL THOSE YEARS AGO AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW UP FOR MY SISTERS OF COLOR AND AM I EVEN ALLOWED TO CALL THEM MY SISTERS OR IS EVERYTHING OUT OF MY MOUTH A BIGOTED MISSTEP AND ARE YOU GOING TO STOP LOVING ME WHEN I TURN 50?
MICHAEL: I’m tempted to make a crack about that not happening until you’re 64, but seeing as how we’re tearing apart art made by assholes, it might not be the best time for a Beatles reference… even if that particular song wasn’t written by John Lennon.
ALEXANDRA: Lennon was guilty of pedophilia?!
MICHAEL: No. Just misogyny.
ALEXANDRA: “Just misogyny.” Male artists are discussed for what they created. Meanwhile, all anyone wants to discuss about a female candidate is her “likeability.”
MICHAEL: Weren’t you the one saying you didn’t think Pocahontas should run?
ALEXANDRA: DID YOU REALLY JUST…
MICHAEL: Colbert on a cracker! I’ve even started normalizing his nicknames! No more reading his Twitter feed before bed.
ALEXANDRA: You can read Michelle’s book when I’m done with it if you’d like.
MICHAEL: As soon as I finish The View from Flyover Country. Say, do you think a hatchet-throwing class would give me upper arms like Michelle’s? That seems like a workout I could get behind — good for rage reduction.
ALEXANDRA: If it did, would you use them to tear down the walls of injustice? Hammer at the systems of oppression in this country? And also install the closet organization system I just ordered from The Container Store?
MICHAEL: Blindfolded. Like Lady Justice. And Sandra Bullock.
ALEXANDRA: Your word for the year is going to be “spoiler” isn’t it?