Please Buy Tesla’s Cybertruck, Which Is Cool, Not Stupid

You gotta get this Tesla Cybertruck, bro. It’s great. Am I a paid spokesperson? Sort of. I’m a person who paid $8 a month to “spokes” for them.

This thing is awesome, bro.

You ever been driving down the road when a crazed band of gangbangers rolled through your suburban neighborhood and blasted up the side of your truck with Uzis and Gatling guns for no reason? No, but you could easily imagine a scenario where that happens, right? Well, if your imagination became a reality, you’d need the only truck on the market that keeps pointing out it’s bulletproof for some reason.

Does your neighborhood have a billionaire who throws rocks at your truck window? No? Good, Cybertruck can’t handle that.

What if an anvil falls from the sky, or what if you drive into what seems to be a tunnel but turns out to be a realistic painting on the side of a mountain? It happens, dude—I’ve seen it on TV. Cybertruck could withstand that kind of stuff, but like, even more. Cybertruck is the only truck that will keep self-driving itself into the side of the mountain until it makes a real tunnel. In fact, Cybertruck could make a tunnel for a hyperloop from LA to San Francisco.¹

Do you care about aesthetics? No, you don’t.

The look of this thing grows on you the more you stare at it. Look at it. Sharp, jagged edges. It looks like it’s from the future, but a very specific future that has been ruined by an increasingly out-of-touch billionaire.

You keep bringing up safety concerns. Has your current truck ever trapped you inside after catching on fire? So why would you keep asking that about a Tesla truck? Sure, there have been tons of safety tests, probably. But the way you keep asking about it makes me think you are going to wreck this thing. It’s like you want to crash. Maybe Tesla can’t, in good conscience, sell you this truck. Just kidding, just kidding, you can buy it.

Please buy it.

This truck is a powerhouse, dude. It can handle anything. Does your work route lead through a medieval trebuchet’s firing zone? No? Well, what if you change jobs, and it does then? You’ll wish you had a Cybertruck.

Can your Rivian handle the melee attacks of the Byzantine Emperor’s Catalan mercenaries? Would your Tacoma cruise easily past the musket ends of the Army of Shenandoah? Would you withstand an aerial assault from a WWII-era British Spitfire in your Nissan Pathfinder? You keep saying, “It’s physically impossible for you to drive your truck through these historical armies,” and I agree with you. It’s impossible for your truck to make it through these battles. Your four-by-four wouldn’t last two seconds in a naval battle with a German U-boat. But Cybertruck would. And that last one is a realistic scenario for Cybertruck because our CEO said it can be used as a boat.²

Bottom line, everyone is trying to get you all the time. Could be someone firing a machine gun, could be a neighbor with a bow staff, a podcast host with an arrow, or even a relative setting up a giant, spring-loaded ping-pong paddle with a huge spike attached to it (personal experience). Frankly, it is dangerous for you to leave home today not in a Cybertruck.

² No, it can’t.