Be it enacted by the Senate of the United States of America in Congress assembled, this Act may be cited as the “Peremptory & Preemptive Senator Self-Nicknaming Act” wherein the senators, to remove the sting of the president’s bullying, have unanimously agreed to prophylactically give themselves nicknames in advance of Donald J. Trump invariably doing so when the senators inevitably and imminently cross him or question him or doubt him or voice long-harbored suspicions or otherwise draw his ire. Nicknames must be sufficiently stupid and rudimentary to make Trump think he thought of them himself but also sufficiently innocuous to preserve the senators’ delicate psyches.
Alabama
Richard “Drink the Juice” Shelby
“Lex” Luther Strange
Alaska
Lisa “The Evil Queen” Murkowski
Dan “Cheesy Moustache Man” Sullivan
Arizona
John McCain “Extra Crispy Frozen Tater Tots”
Jeff “Frosted” Flake
Arkansas
John “the Snooze Man” Boozman
Tom “Cotton Eye Joe” Cotton
California
Dianne “Dirty Diana” Feinstein
“Chicken Marsala” Kamala Harris
Colorado
Michael “Bend It Like” Bennet
Cory “88 Fingers” Gardner
Connecticut
Richard “Transformer Face” Blumenthal
Chris “Weird Hair Line” Murphy
Delaware
Tom “Snaggletooth” Carper
Chris “Corn Cob Head” Coons
Florida
Bill “Half” Nelson
“Miniature” Marco Rubio
Georgia
Johnny “Droopy Dog” Isakson
David “Chicken Man” Perdue
Hawaii
Brian “The Past Tense of Shits Is” Schatz
“Crazy” Mazie Hirono
Idaho
Mike “Burn the Crepe” Crapo
Jim “Squish the Knish” Risch
Illinois
Dick “Dirk Diggler – NOT!” Durbin
Tammy “Duck, Duck, Goose” Duckworth
Indiana
“Camel Toe” Joe Donnelly
Todd “Flung the Dung” Young
Iowa
Chuck “Mow The” Grassley
“Full of Baloney” Joni Ernst
Kansas
Pat “Chrome Dome” Roberts
“Scary” Jerry Moran
Kentucky
Mitch “Banjo Mouth” McConnell
Rand “Ogilvie Home Perm” Paul
Louisiana
Bill “Sam the Eagle from The Muppets” Cassidy
John N. “The N is for ‘NOT JFK’!” Kennedy
Maine
“Suddenly” Susan Collins
Angus “100% Beef” King “Kong”
Maryland
Ben “See You in the Rose Garden” Cardin
Chris “Not Van Halen (who rocks) – Unlike This Guy” Van Hollen
Massachusetts
Elizabeth “Colors of the Wind” Warren
Ed “Bunch of Malarkey” Markey
Michigan
Debbie “Does Dallas” Stabenow
Gary “Bernadette” Peters
Minnesota
Amy Klobuchar “Broiled Burger”
Al “Don’t Call the Kettle Black Mr. President” Franken
Mississippi
“Very Bad” Thad Cochran
Roger “Nose Picker” Wicker
Missouri
Claire “Doesn’t Have a Prayer” McCaskill
Roy Blunt “Force Trauma”
Montana
Jon Tester “Tester the Horse Molester”
Steve “No Brains in His Membranes” Daines
Nebraska
“Disobedient” Deb Fischer
Ben “Sassafras” Sasse
Nevada
“Teeny Weeny Peenie” Dean Heller
Catherine “Has the Agility of the Exxon Valdez” Cortez Masto
New Hampshire
Jeanne Shaheen “Schlimazel Hasenpfeffer Incorporated”
“Pants Too Baggy” Maggie Hassan
New Jersey
“What About Bob?” Bob Menendez
Cory “Can’t Handle the Pressure Cooker” Booker
New Mexico
Tom “Nessie’s Bitch” Udall
Martin “Administer the” Heinrich “Maneuver When He Chokes”
New York
“Up” Chuck “Da Boogie” Schumer
Kirsten “I Prefer Kristen” Gillibrand
North Carolina
Richard “Gold, Frankincense &” Burr
Thom “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout” Tillis
North Dakota
John “It Isn’t Too Hard To See We’re In” Hoeven
Heidi “Swiss Miss” Heitkamp
Ohio
“Shabby 8-Track” Sherrod Brown
Rob “Definitely Not Natalie” Portman
Oregon
Ron “West Coast” Wyden
Jeff “Mastodon Breath” Merkley
Pennsylvania
Bob “The Knob” Casey, Jr.
“Gloomy” Pat Toomey
Rhode Island
Jack “Not Up To Speed” Reed
Sheldon “Doesn’t Live in the” Whitehouse
South Carolina
Lindsey Graham “Cracker Crust”
Tim Scott “Paper Towels”
South Dakota
John “The Buffoon” Thune
Mike “Out of Bounds” Rounds
Tennessee
Lamar Alexander “The Grape”
Bob “I Prefer Diminutive” Corker
Texas
John “Zeedonk” Cornyn
Ted “Slobber-knocker” Cruz
Utah
Orrin “Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Banana” Hatch
Mike Lee “Press on Nails”
Vermont
Patrick “HVAC Technician” Leahy
Bernie “Belt” Sanders “On Sale at Home Depot”
Virginia
“No Spark” Mark Warner
“No Vigor and No Vim” Tim Kaine
Washington
Patty “Cake Patty Cake Baker’s Man” Murray
Maria “I’ve Just Met a Girl Named Maria” Cantwell
West Virginia
Joe “Unlike Me, Doesn’t Live In A” Manchin
Shelley Moore “Mashed Potatoes, Please” Capito
Wisconsin
Ron “Tiny” Johnson
“Clammy” Tammy Baldwin
Wyoming
Mike “Penis Envy” Enzi
“Genghis” John Barrasso