Check all that apply.

1. I would like to one-up a family member.

2. I’ve got $16 million in super PAC vouchers that can only be spent on an election.

3. I’ve already got power suits in each of the primary colors.

4. I have a simplistic rhyming slogan all queued up.

5. I have a minority vice-presidential candidate all queued up.

6. I have an old-white-dude vice-presidential candidate all queued up.

7. I don’t get sick on buses.

8. I enjoyed season nine of The West Wing.

9. I’m passionate about the game.

10. I like hot dogs.

11. I’m good at straw polls.

12. Some of my best friends are New Hampshirites.

13. I want to run a “clean campaign.”

14. Slate-grey cardboard Corinthian columns bring out my eyes.

15. My children and grandchildren number in the dozens.

16. I am good at hoisting small children on my shoulders.

17. I have had less than two heart bypass surgeries.

18. I can hide my neck.

19. I don’t know how many houses I own.

20. Heart has given me permission to use her music catalog.

21. God told me to run.

22. Bill told me to run.

23. I go to church.

24. But not “radical” church.

25. I understand that there are two sides to every fact.

26. The sexual harassment claims have not been proven.

27. I believe Jesus hand-delivered the U.S. constitution.

28. My underneath color is “translucent pearl.”

29. I’m folksy in all the right places.

30. I know the difference between Hamas and Hezbollah.

31. You can usually tell by their scarves.

32. I have a Renault coach sitting in the driveway, gathering dust.

33. It would really give my forthcoming music video, “I Would Do Anything for Freedom (But I Won’t Do That),” a boost.

34. I can smile while angry.

35. I read all the papers. All of them.

36. I am a constitutional scholar/have read Atlas Shrugged.

37. I have been to “the pump” and/or “Main Street” and/or “mom and/or pop’s” shop.

38. The rent is too damn high.

39. Some of my best friends are corporations.

40. It is hard to picture me having sex.

41. The hair you see today is the hair you will see tomorrow.

42. America doesn’t apologize.

43. I don’t apologize.

44. If I do have to apologize, my wife stands by as I do so.

45. I went to Yale?

46. Running for president would be a great foot in the door for one day sitting idly on corporate boards.

47. I neuter my own pigs.

48. I skin my own buffalo.

49. I disenfranchise my own poor.

50. I only vote for people with two thumbs pointing at themselves.

51. Everyone else is doing it.

52. I’ve outgrown my state.

53. I think I could hang with Merkel.

54. I am ready to find out where New Zealand is, then dictate its foreign policy.

55. I was a counselor at Camp David in college.

56. I have a very Pinterestable man-cave.

57. We need change, and I am the establishment politician to achieve it.

58. I promise not to touch the queen.

59. I can make arguing with a debate moderator look kingly.

60. I drink the same beer as you.

61. I’ve studied science, so I know how to refute it.

62. These are trouble times.

63. I have served in a war.

64. I have served in a Tough Mudder.

65. I am a pillar of my community.

66. But don’t worry, it will go on quite happily after I am removed.

67. I don’t even really live there most of the time.

68. The red lines I draw are, like, professionally straight.

69. I am willing to change my position on Israel.

70. I have always wanted to be emperor.

Tally up your score!
If you are in the top 1% of America’s wealthy,
you should run for president.