Choosing the right doctor can be a daunting task. That’s why the American Medical Association has prepared a standard list of questions for patients to ask before any first consultation. Capable physicians should be able to answer these questions calmly and professionally, ensuring not only expert medical advice but peace of mind as well.

  • What is your opinion of vaccines and autism?
  • And to be clear, let’s say you’re asked this question in a public setting; for instance, one that includes people who get the bulk of their news from shared posts on Facebook. Are you going to knock this one out of the park (as one would expect any doctor to)? Or is it going to be more like a reach on a throwing error, because these people have money and love to throw it at some crazy shit?
  • Speaking of crazy shit, are you a published author, and do you have office hours during your surprise book tours?
  • Would you characterize yourself as a “based on a true story” sort of author or more an “inspired by actual events” sort?
  • Similarly, where do you stand on proof? Just in general. Are you “pro-proof” or “anti-proof”?
  • And allow me to explain that last one. Let’s say you’ve taken a scan of me called an MRI, which we can think of as a kind of “visual biography” of the brain. And let’s also say you tell me about some disturbing aspects of this “biography” — with the qualifier that such is the nature of some biographies and that the point is always the potential to heal. If I then ask to see this MRI — you know, evidence of the narrative you were just reciting — would you show it to me, taking great care to explain what it is I’m seeing? Or would you go off on some half-baked rant about the audacity of anyone daring to question The Great and Powerful Oz? And that’s a complicated question for some, I know. So, let me repeat it to you for, like, the 500th time.
  • Moving on, have you ever worked for a maker of dietary supplements?
  • I know you said “no” to that last one. But let me just make sure I have this correct: At any time has a company that makes cures “they” don’t want you to know about handed over a check and in return expected you to do something? For instance, give a speech or appear in a video or, you know, show up and do work for them?
  • If I handed you a six-figure check right now and asked you to publicly suggest, though not directly state, that “farts cure cancer,” would you? And, if this makes it any easier, we can say it’s a “natural” cure; even call them “methane nutrients.”
  • How do you normally communicate important medical information to your patients? For instance, should the curvature of my vertebrae concern you, would you communicate those concerns in a calm, rational manner? Or would you declare that I display the worst spine since “Chamberlain in Munich”?
  • Same question, only here it’s about a biopsy that’s the worst thing you’ve seen since “slavery gay married 9/11.”
  • And that brings me to my next question: Let’s say we engage in some typical doctor-patient small-talk; for instance, about some friends of mine about to marry. And let’s also say their names are Greg and Jeff and that I need suggestions for a wedding gift. Are you more likely to suggest I get Greg and Jeff “a cutting board”? Or would it be more like “a Bible with Leviticus highlighted”?
  • Same question, only the names are Muhammad and Nadia and the choices are “monogrammed napkins” and the Book of Revelation. No other books of the Bible. Just Revelation.
  • Would you say you have a good bedside manner and sense of humor? For instance, let’s say you force a conversation about the one time you were in the Middle East and, maybe you mispronounce a few of the names you learned over there and, me being a bit of a jokester, I repeat one of those names back to you exactly the way you said it, adding, "You know, interesting fact, they took their name from perhaps our greatest Founding Father.” And you look at me like, “Whuh?” And I go, “Yeah. You know?… Hamas Jefferson?” You’d find that funny, right?
  • The bulk of medical research would suggest a person run away from bullets during a mass shooting: Agree or Disagree?
  • You remember that old commercial where the actor says, “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV” — and for some reason people were ready, willing and able to believe a guy who, no doubt he had a lot of training in his chosen field, was nevertheless going on TV to spout a lot of things he definitely wasn’t read in on and were outside his professional wheelhouse (and, basically, because marketers know that consumers implicitly trust someone labeled “a doctor”)? No question here, just wondering if you remember that.
  • Oh, I do have one more question before I decide to make an appointment, and I probably should have asked it first: Do you take Obamacare?