Thank you for helping senior researchers by taking part in this cognitive experiment. Undergraduate participants will receive course credit for their time.
Below, you will see a series of dots. You are required to indicate whether each sits to the left or right of middle using the arrow keys on your keyboard. The test will record your speed and accuracy.
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Thank you for completing this test.
Participant debrief
While you were led to believe this was a test of your cognitive abilities, we were really getting you out of the dorm long enough for your bestie, Ruth, to get some alone time with your main man, Rog. Let’s just say that some couch cushions were rearranged in the common area, and your Wanderlust poster may have suffered a tear or two. Also, if you go to the bar fridge looking for your stash of Amy’s Gluten-Free Frozen Burritos, you’re going to be left wanting.
Would you rather play Ben Folds Five’s “One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces” or Katy Perry’s “Firework” on the stereo right now?
Participant debrief
This experiment required you to be blind to the element that we were trying to gauge. The setup used ambiguous language regarding close social signifiers and offered you a binary choice of pop music. This was beside the point. While you focused on choosing between the classically derived piano harmonics of Ben Folds, who has been married four times and can play two pianos at once, and the pop stylings of Katy Perry, who has been divorced but has kept her heart space open and still feels plenty pretty, we were measuring your galvanic skin response. Conductivity spiked right around the moment that Ruth put her tongue in Rog’s mouth, who responded by jabbing her back with his own tongue, hitting on her 1st and 2nd bicuspids (12 and 13), occlusal 28 and 29, and lingual C, D, E, F, G, and H.
Would you say you are insecure in your personal relationships? Rate your insecurity on scale of 1 to 10 below.
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Participant debrief
While you were making a deep internal assessment of fluid personality constructs—nothing more than the kaleidoscopic dance of neurotransmitters switching connections on and off throughout your central nervous system—the researchers were busy fortifying the meritocratic American system that prevents competent, bright students from climbing to social and career prominence without powerful familial connections and/or knowing a Johansson. The experiment required that you be unaware of the nature of this research. Look around you and observe your slim job prospects.
Given a chance to work with someone you hate in a job you love, and a chance to work with someone you love in a job you hate, which would you choose, keeping in mind that neither will allow you to escape the system of wealth redistribution that will see the gap between the lower/middle and upper classes continue to grow? Circle your choice below. Recall that Ruth knows a Johansson.
Someone I hate in a job that I love X
Someone I love in a job that I hate X
Participant debrief
You were asked to make a qualitative choice in the previous questionnaire, but all choices in life are arbitrary, and man merely a blip in time. Ruth will soon be dead, and so will you and Rog. While you contemplated your answer—a false choice—we were watching you respond to the scent of ham, introduced to the room by oil diffuser. We detected a slight increase in personability, as your limbic system anticipated the nitrates and protein contained in a slice of Beechwood. Note that you will not be offered a ham sandwich, even though we have an abundance of them right here, and even though we’re typing these words in between bites of ham sandwich, dropping ham morsels onto the keyboard and brushing them off with hammy fingers as with we fiddle with a coefficient.
We will give you $50 to continue the experiment, or $2 to end it now. Which would you choose?
We just lost our funding. Sorry.
Participant debrief
The previous “test” that you were subjected to was designed to covertly demonstrate you to the flaws inherent in psychological research. Given your knowledge that much research is baloney and/or underfunded and over-reliant on undergraduate participants, please provide a vocal rendition of “Let It Go” from the hit animated film, Frozen.
The experiment requires that you continue.
The experiment requires that you continue.
The experiment requires that you continue.
Participant debrief
You’re okay. Have a sandwich.
r = -0.8