Greetings! It is I, the Count, and the number of the day is TEN! Let’s count the TEN WAYS you did not meet the exacting and unpredictable standards of your toddler today!

ONE! You said “good morning” when you walked into his room to wake him up, but he did not want you to say that to him! Enormous mistake, right off the BAT. Ah ah ah!

TWO! You offered him blueberries but that was his favorite food yesterday! ONE whole day ago. Today, he HATES them! (lightning flashes)

THREE! You handed him a granola bar instead, but it broke in half. That’s gonna cost you FORTY-FIVE minutes of sobbing. Uh-oh, it’s not even SEVEN a.m.!

FOUR! You gave him a clean dinosaur shirt to wear, but he wanted the dinosaur shirt from the hamper, which is covered in SIX—count them—SIX prominent food and dirt stains!

FIVE! You dropped him off at daycare, which was a staggering betrayal, but then you made another grave mistake just hours later: picking him up from daycare! Right when he was starting to have fun! That makes TWO, TWO mistakes in ONE!

SIX! You agreed to play trains with him, but when he asked you to do the voice of the caboose you said “choo-choo” and he burst into tears! Well, honestly, “choo-choo” is a little first thought, isn’t it? Maybe wait for your SECOND or THIRD idea!

SEVEN! You called him over to look at some dogs walking by the window, but by the time he toddled over, the dogs were GONE! That’s right, ZERO—you can’t count them—ZERO dogs! The wails of heartbreak and despair were loud enough to be heard in Transylvania!

EIGHT! You made him take a bath, but you wouldn’t let him carry the cat into the tub with him, which caused ONE, TWO, THREE ear-piercing screams, and SIX scratches from a fantastically frightened feline!

NINE! You wouldn’t let him drink bubble bath, which, well, okay. I mean, that’s fair. But it looked so pink and delicious and he was very upset—I think it still COUNTS! Ah ah ah!

TEN! You read him a book, sang him a song, and gently tucked him into bed, which was, of course, absolutely infuriating. In fact, he got up TWENTY-ONE TIMES overnight to voice his disapproval! But don’t worry: you got FOUR or FIVE hours of sleep in there somewhere, and now he’s up before the sun, somehow full of energy, and eager to number your mistakes once again.