Hello there! I could barely see you through the adorable scruff that covers my little puppy face. My eyes are so cute and tiny. I hear you praying they stay open, but we both know that’s not going to happen.
From the moment I bounded on screen, you’ve been writhing uncomfortably on the couch, waiting for my inevitable demise. This film actually has some top-notch dialogue, but you haven’t even heard it because you’ve spent the last thirty minutes mumbling under breath, “Dear God, don’t let them kill off Oreo.” Thanks for thinking of me! But we both know I’m one adorable-but-doomed pupper.
Before I die gratuitously, I have a few things to check off. First, I need to worm my way into your heart with my goofy antics and silly oversized paws so you’re really invested in me. Get ready to say “aww!” when extreme close-ups of my little floofy face are intercut with scenes of aggressive characters pulling weapons on each other.
I’m also here to make the emotionally damaged male protagonist more endearing. Sure, he just crushed a man’s skull into a wall, but afterward, he said I was a good boy, so he can’t really be all that bad. Don’t worry about this main character’s problematic interactions with sex workers either — just watch me lick his face with my little pink tongue and wag my itty bitty tail. (You know, while you still can. I’m on borrowed time.)
Did I mention I’m a rescue? Too bad I can’t be rescued from this plot. That’s an example of comic relief, and that’s my final job here. This is an intense film, what with all the stabbing and drug abuse, so I’m here to lighten things up. (Until I die horribly, of course.) When I accidentally lifted my leg on the rival cartel member’s briefcase of laundered money while holding a little baggy of heroin in my mouth? Classic, ill-fated Oreo!
I know you’re trying to steel yourself for my big exit, but what these writers came up with for me is so gory and outrageous that you really can’t prepare for it and will, in fact, have nightmares about it for years to come. Just try to enjoy my sweet little expressions while you can. See, it looks like I’m smiling when my unhinged, gun-toting owner brings me into situations that are wildly unsafe and completely inappropriate for a companion animal!
And even though I’m not gonna make it past Act I, don’t worry! My gruesome, unnecessary, and disturbing end will be referenced for the rest of the film — possibly even shown multiple times! — so you won’t be able to forget the heartwarming way I cocked my head to the side like I was a person. So precious, right?
While you’re ugly crying and scouring Twitter for strangers who share your outrage (good luck getting #whydtheykillloreo to trend!), I hope it brings you comfort to know I’m in Fictional Dog Heaven now. The gang’s all here: the pupper from John Wick, Sansa Stark’s dire wolf, Marley, Hooch, and countless other adorable little plot devices. And you know what, we love it here! Plenty of treats, nobody has a gun, and in the movies they show, it’s only the people who get killed off.