2024 Vice Presidential Debate
New York, NY
October 1st, 2024
9:00 PM: Opening what seems likely to be the last debate of this election, CBS News anchors Norah O’Donnell and Margaret Brennan welcome candidates Ohio Senator JD Vance and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz and review the rules the campaigns agreed to. Brennan reminds the candidates that they will be fact-checking each other as the press must fill the vital civic role of solemnly nodding.
9:01 PM: For the opening question in the United States vice presidential debate where the candidates, moderators, and primary audience are Americans, Brennan addresses Walz, asking if he would support a preemptive strike by Israel on Iran. Walz responds by coughing in an “aw shucks” sort of way, stating that everyone who has known and advised Donald Trump has said he’s unfit and only steady, trusted leaders should be able to enable and encourage murder. Brennan poses the same question to Senator Vance, who licks his lips and reminds everyone that he wrote a book about what a regular guy he is.
9:25 PM: On immigration, Brennan asks the candidates about their plans for the border. Vance avoids her question about whether or not the Trump administration will pursue family separation. “First of all, this already happens,” he says, “and I can actually speak without breathing for sixty seconds without any problem. I used to do this in my Ivy League classes, and if you simply never hesitate or pause and keep a steady cadence, people think what you’re saying is smart, as long as you’re a man and you’re white, and this is what will happen when Donald Trump is president again.” Walz responds, “This is what happens when you don’t want to solve the problem. You demonize it. I was surprised by Vance on this, admitting how he’ll create stories just to villainize people. I believe Senator Vance wants to solve this, but he’s making choices. Do you think they’re good choices, JD? Let’s talk through what some good choices you could make. Do you have any ideas of what some good choices would be?” Vance scowls for one moment before staring directly at the camera, the way a possessed snake would stare, searching for something dark. Possibly Peter Thiel’s teat. Jarringly, Vance’s odd snake face speaks, “First of all, Governor Walz brought up Springfield, and the problem there is that there are illegal aliens terrorizing people.” Brennan thanks them both and adds that Haitian immigrants in Springfield have legal status, at which Vance’s tiny pinpoint eyes bug out of his head as he demands, “MOMMMM!!! THEY SAID THEY WEREN’T GONNA FACT CHECK! NOW I GET TO DO DOUBLE LIES!” O’Donnell calmly responds that there are many topics and they need to move on, to which Vance yells, “NO FAIR, NO FAIR, NO FAIR!” and then holds his breath while banging a copy of Atlas Shrugged on his lectern. Brennan nods, “Okay, in honor of every woman you’ve ever tried to date, we’ve gone ahead and muted your mic. Let’s move on.”
9:31 PM: O’Donnell asks Walz about his and Harris’s economic plan. He looks directly into the camera, “Hey, kiddo, I know you’re hearing a bunch of back and forth, and that’s good, it’s healthy. We’re not fighting. I know there have been some loud voices, and that happens sometimes when people get excited, but it’s okay. I just wanted you to know that. Now, Kamala and I care about the middle class very much.” Vance responds, “First of all, if Kamala Harris loved the middle class so much, why hasn’t she married it? She’s been the vice president for three and a half years, and it’s my understanding that the vice president is the person who is in charge of everything and controls all policy. In that regard, Harris is a failure. Look, economists have PhDs, but they don’t have common sense. Donald Trump has common sense and a solid record of raising pay for America’s monocle class, and that’s what we’re going to get back to.”
9:38 PM: Moving away from policy, Brennan says, “The purpose of the vice president is to serve as the governmental side-kick, a little guy with some flair. So let’s talk about your personalities and what’s wrong with them. Governor Walz, you have previously said that you were in China in May of 1989 but reports show you weren’t there until August of 1989, please explain how someone who is seeking the second highest office of this land can be taken seriously if he lies about months from three decades ago?” Walz responds, “I’m a bit of a knucklehead.” There is silence for approximately five seconds before Walz continues, “Oh boy, okay, we can’t just say nothing here. What do you guys want to talk about?” Brennan then turns to Vance, “In a similar vein, you previously called your running mate ‘America’s Hitler.’” Vance chuckles condescendingly, “Yes, but I meant it as a compliment.”
9:44 PM: On reproductive rights, Brennan addresses Walz, saying that as Governor, he signed a bill making Minnesota one of the least restrictive states. Walz replies, “We trust women, we trust doctors.” Vance counters, “Oh, really? You heard what he just said? He trusts doctors. Doctors like DOCTOR Hannibal Lecter? Doctors like DOCTOR Doom? This is exactly what Democrats do; they will tell you to trust these experts, but these experts are trying to take over the world and also are eating people, and the problem here is migrants. I knew a woman, an old friend, who was in an abusive relationship, and she had an abortion. She doesn’t trust Republicans, and what we have to do better as a party is more effectively lie to these women to gain their trust. Jodie Foster shouldn’t have had a job. She should have been a mom. If the lambs are screaming, it should be from the nursery.”
9:52 PM: As the country reels from yet another string of school shootings, the candidates are asked about how they’d approach this ongoing tragedy. Vance goes first. “First of all, as a parent, we send our kids to school and look at their adorable faces and know that we’re creating a terror-filled experience for them. But it’s for an important reason, because what matters most in this country is the gun lobby. I sit my second grader down and say, ‘You know how you like shooty video games? Where do you think they get their ideas from?’ But we have to do something, and I hate to say it, because it’s extreme, but I think we’re going to need to make heavier doors at the schools. Of course, we’re also going to need more guns. We can paint them to look like Pokémon guns or whatever.” Walz replies, “I believe 100 percent that Senator Vance finds this abhorrent. It’s not his fault his face looks like that all the time. But we need to do more. I spent time in Finland, and they own guns, but they don’t have these things happen.” Vance perks up like a billionaire who just started pumping a new bag of teenage blood, “First of all, Finland?! I’m so glad you mentioned Finland. I think what Finland has is important, and it has to do with the type of people. I mean, it’s cold, snowy even, some might say white, definitely one of the top fourteen or eighty-eight countries!”
10:21 PM: On democracy, O’Donnell calls out Vance for saying he would not have certified the 2020 election results. Vance responds that we should be talking about the present, and the real threat to democracy is how some people don’t want to be friends with Republicans. Walz responds, “This is very troubling,” and echoes the moderators asking Vance, “Did Donald Trump lose the 2020 election?” Vance again replies, “First of all, I’m focused on the future.” Walz shakes his head, “That’s a damning non-answer.” Vance pulls out his phone, “Look at how many people on Facebook haven’t accepted my friend requests. This is the real threat to democracy, and Democrats don’t want to talk about it.”
CLOSING STATEMENTS
WALZ: Thank you to CBS, Senator Vance, and to all of you missing Dancing with the Stars for this. I’m as surprised as anybody about this coalition we’re forming, from Bernie Sanders to Dick Cheney to Taylor Swift, who is, of course, on the far right of our coalition. But it’s a big casserole, and we’ve got room for every kind of potato, so I don’t want to tell you what to do, but gosh, I’d sure appreciate it if you’d give our ballot line a look-see in November.
VANCE: First of all, we didn’t talk about energy, but I can tell you what the problem is. Migrants. In fact, migrants are pretty much the only major problem we face. But if we kick them out, we can solve housing. We can solve health care. Most importantly, we can solve people who are mean and laughing at me in Spanish. I praise you in Jesus’s name. You’re all now baptized, and God compels you to let me have the most important role in the land: vice president to a narcissist. Amen.