1. Thinking very clean thoughts is soap
2. Your roommate’s beard scrub is soap
3. Vigorously zesting a lemon is soap
4. Guess what
a. Campari tomatoes are soap
i. Do not quote me
5. Shampoo is soap
a. Garnier Fructis shampoo is soap
b. Dandruff shampoo is soap
c. The shampoo that said it would make you blonde is soap
d. The shampoo that said it would make you horny is soap
e. Shampoo for men is soap
i. but only for men
6. Anything that smells like the girl in school who told you it was time to start using deodorant is soap
a. In all honesty, she was right
i. She has sewn 83 masks, already, per Facebook
ii. She didn’t know how to sew before this
b. Her masks are nicer than your clothes
i. Probably because they come from her clothes
ii. You still remember her rainbow pencil grips from first grade
iii. Your brother said, “You want a pencil grip?” and wrapped his chewed gum around your pencil
7. Coconut oil soap is now soap
a. It was not soap before, but now it is soap
8. Shampoo is soap, part two: addenda
a. Not the thing where they just tell you to not wash it for three weeks until your natural oils take over and become balancing agents
i. Some people’s natural oils never become balancing agents
9. Dog soap is soap
10. Bubble bath is soap
a. But it was uneconomically utilized during an indoor colors activity
11. Urine is still not soap
a. Get a grip, Vespasian